Ask the Bartender: Any Etiquette to Bathroom Sex?

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It's that time of week when we answer the questions you're to drunk or shy to ask...This question comes from Ben:

My girlfriend and I were finishing dinner the other night when we started to talk about sneaking off to the restroom for a quickie. We were too chicken. My question is, do people really do this, and does anyone really notice?

Sex in the restaurant bathroom, like sex on the beach (Uh...sand? Ouch.) or a Guy Ritchie movie, seems pretty hot when it's rolling through your mind, all fast cuts and good parts. But the reality is awkward and...OK, I won't even pretend to know why people want sexy times in the crapper. I've lost track of how many I've interrupted, and that doesn't even count coworkers. The one thing I've always thought?

You all really need to tip more.

I'd like to be the one to say, "To each their own." It's so accepting, and I really want to be that person. But come on. In this case, the phrase, "And it harm none" seems to supercede. I don't get the allure. Elevators? Sure. Stairwells? Hell yes. Toilettes? Not so much. I don't even eat in the bathroom, my own, meticulously clean bathroom. And I can tell you that we waiters and bartenders can spot these couples at twenty minutes into the meal, and we're not turned on. OK, unless you're really hot, but that's long odds. Mostly, we're ro-sham-boing for the bathroom check after. So people, please: If you must, keep it quick, and keep it clean.

Another hint, pick a stealthy bathroom. I used to work at a now completely razed restaurant in Belltown where the woman's bathroom was cleverly around the corner and down the hall from the dining room. It had a fainting couch and a record player. The space was asking for it. Accordingly, the restaurant attracted some very savvy couples. By savvy (hint), I mean that they ate, paid and then made way to their tryst as if perchance looking for a supplemental means of egress. I never, ever touched that couch.

What was the question? Right. Go with the moment if you must, but know that nobody really pays any attention, and those who are on to you aren't turned on by you. We're just counting the minutes (hint: You might want to rev it up a little first). Gloves and sanitizer in hand.

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