It's that time of week to answer one of those itching questions that come up about drinking, the bar, and everything that happens therein. This

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Ask The Bartender: I Am Jack's White Friend

It's that time of week to answer one of those itching questions that come up about drinking, the bar, and everything that happens therein. This week's question comes from Jack:

When I'm out and

about on an average weekend night, I like to do a line of coke in the

bathroom every fourth drink or so. It keeps me from disintegrating into a

drunken puddle, and keeps me ordering more drinks. My question for you is

twofold: (1) because of the "ordering more drinks" factor that applies to most

casual cokers, do bartenders care if their customers toot up on site (i.e., does

the largesse of tabs and non-sloppiness outweigh the annoying

chatterbox/illegality factor), and (2) is said cokedupedness easily detectable

by seasoned bartenders?

Well, thank you ever so for the candor, Jack...allow me to return it. Go rent Bright Lights, Big City and

please to notice the copyright date on that flick. Even Jay McInerney would roll his eyes at you (he gets high on Chardonnay now.) Seriously, did you write this question from 1994? I haven't had to deal with the white monsters much since I moved from Chicago (OK, a brief stint at a trendy hotel brought it back).

So #1, Yes, this is really annoying for bartenders, especially in Seattle

when people stick out like a sore thumb but think they're being soooo

cool. And I'm all... What's up there Tootie? And you're, like, in a half empty bar on a Wednesday night. No one else is even drunk yet, and you're high? Pathetic. Most bartenders will give you a pass if you can control yourself because it's not worth the hassle. Just make sure you're discreet and not dealing on premises (Oh, it happens).

#2: Remember this, everyone, sober so you can recall it drunk: Bartenders see through you like glass. We watch your personality, body language and speech change with every drink and line. Each night behind the bar is like a lab, and you are all our test monkeys. A PhD in psychology doesn't have shit on a veteran bartender. And that's why you should always heed the bartender's suggestion to modify your behavior.

The biggest concern about you idiot cokers is the fucking scene you're going to make when and if we have to cut you off or throw you out. You people never go quietly.

Got a question? Email me at mdutton@seattleweekly.com.

 
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