There are certain alcoholic liquids which, either from horrible abuse in the 1980s or unnaturally high consumption by 85-pound underage girls, will never recover from

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SEA Cocktails: Two Steps Forward, One Giant Leap Back

There are certain alcoholic liquids which, either from horrible abuse in the 1980s or unnaturally high consumption by 85-pound underage girls, will never recover from their status as White Elephants. The worst of the White Elephant category comes in the form of spirits that I swear to god only survive because they turn drinks certain colors, bottles like Blue Curacao or that which I consider to be one of the ickiest libations ever let out of Pandora's liquor cabinet: Midori melon liqueur.

In honor of Shrek! The Musical, I give you one local establishment's liquid tribute: berry vodka, Apple Pucker, Midori, sweet and sour, and pineapple juice. Cripes, I got diabetes typing that sentence. This drink gets not one but two thumbs down for also employing green's #2 offender: Apple Pucker. My friends, if you still hanker for CapriSun or Jolly Ranchers or Hawaiiian Punch, by all means. But the Punch is positively off-dry by comparison in this case. Dear manchild, try and keep the bright colors in the crayon box. Adult beverages should taste like adult beverages, not liquefied, formaldehyded gummy worms. Which, oddly enough, is the garnish for this drink -- ISYN. I found it absurd yet flaccid.

Pictured: My friend Rick's recently inherited box of broken spirits: Midori, Creme de Menthe (green offender #3), Creme de Banana, [shudder] Buttershots [/shudder], and Creme de Noyeaux.

* Name the above reference and win one gently used bottle of Hideous liqueur.

 
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