Yesterday I offered up a free pair of tickets to see Parks and Recreation star Nick Offerman at the Moore on March 21. I said I would pick a winner at random, but that I could conceivably be swayed by contestants who give a good reason why they should be given free tickets. Long story short, we have received an unprecedented response. Therefore, I thought it only fair to open this contest up for public input. Please feel free to leave a comment rooting for your favorite.
Please note that most of these reasons came with "please" and "thank yous" -- Nick Offerman fans appear to be extremely politie (among other qualities you are about to discover). I have removed most of them for continuity sake. Also, these responses are (mostly) unedited for all kinds of reasons, and these numbers are completely arbitrary. That said, here are the 33 best reasons readers believe they should be given two free tickets to see Nick Offerman at the Moore:
1. I'm from a small town in Indiana, similar to Pawnee, only much smaller and with more fat people. Please send me!
2. Please be aware that email communication with Council Members or City staff is a public record and is subject to disclosure upon request. Editor's Note: This one came from a municipality's "Recreations Coordinator"
3. I am in law school. I hate being in law school because people who want to be lawyers and people who have taken the terrible plunge and become actual lawyers are terrible. I will not be a lawyer. It also makes me poor. I am throwing my money into a douche bag hole. I love Nick Offerman and because of my smothering debt I cannot afford tickets. If this does not pan out I will probably sell my plasma so that I can see him. Please don't make me sell my plasma.
4. I deserve to win because not only do I love Nick Offerman and Ron Swanson's woodworking skills, but I imagine this to be much like the recent Soundgarden show...the rare opportunity in Seattle to be a straight single girl outnumbered by straight men.
5. My ex-boyfriend, who happens to work for your lovely company, broke up with me recently. The only way for me to feel better is to win tickets to this show and spend time with the only person more negative than me right now - Nick Offerman. Additionally, I'd like to get back at him and winning tickets to something he'd like to see would accomplish that. I think Nick Offerman would appreciate the sentiment behind this. Also - it happens to be my birthday riiiight around that date :)
6. My boyfriend sent the link for you contest to my twitter account. I read it and began going through ways I might be able to win you over. I googled you, I read your article on breastfeeding and then the review on jezebel.com. I decided to try playing the 'Chris was arrested for' game, but when it was battery I concluded you wouldn't find that funny. Sending a picture instead. (Editor's Note: The gif -- featuring Severus Snape, was funny, but too large to upload)
7. I think you should give me the tickets because March 21st is a fated day - my Mom will be in town visiting me from Alaska, and Parks and Rec is our favorite show to watch together!! We are both huge fans of the show! My Mom has been having a hard time the last few years because she's unemployed and can't find work, and a good majority of my Dad's earnings are going to my college tuition. I am double majoring in music therapy and vocal performance at Seattle Pacific University, and I've stayed on the Dean's List the entire time. I think my Mom and I should get the tickets because we couldn't afford otherwise, and while she's here a surprise night out to see one of our favorite TV stars would be a memorable bonding experience. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
8. I cannot grow a moustache. This has hindered me in several ways. It is hard to be taken seriously living on capitol hill without an ironic moustache. I don't even have any chest hair. How am I supposed to the be the shaw of Seattle if I cannot rock my deep cut v-neck? However, I believe that NickOfferman/Ron Swanson/God can help. One whiff of his masculinity, which I imagine smells of woodchips and Brute, will force my cowering follicles out of hiding and into the world. It is science. You can help me get rich and make friends. Thanks.
9. I am a poor public servant working at Seattle City Government. Free is in my price range. Ron Swanson is my hero.
10. His mustache is amazing (our generation's Selleck) and reminds me of my dad who passed away almost year ago (tug on the strings of your heart?)
11. Oh, yes, and the "why" part... basically, because I would like to be able to say this to all the others entering the contest:
Ron Swanson: Challenge accepted. If I win, hamburgers stay on the menu.
Chris Traeger: And if I win, what do I get?
Ron Swanson: The rarest jewel of all: victory over me, Ron Swanson.
Except, in our scenario, we replace "hamburger" with "Ron Swanson" and "Ron Swanson" with my name. And then my life is complete.
12. I think you meant give me a lot of bacon.and.eggs, but I mean GIVE ME ALL OF THE BACON AND EGGS YOU HAVE
13. I wish all Libertarians were like Nick Offerman - stereo-typically hard and cold on the outside, but loyal and generous person to those he cares about.
14. i should get the free tickets because i am unemployed and cannot afford to see the show otherwise, and i think nick offerman must be a wonderful person since megan mullally opted to marry him!
15. If I get the tickets I will personal bring a jigger of whiskey and medium-rare 64 oz steak to the master while he does his work on stage-possible sporting a sax and fedora.
16. Nick Offerman is the best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
17. Reason to go: Two words: "mustache envy"
18. Because anyone who dates Xena Warrior Princess on tv is pretty cool and I am too lazy to drive to the Gorge, plus the damn festival is sold out.
19. I want to mash my mustache into his and taste his sweet whiskey breath.
20. I should go, because it's my dream to meet Nick Offerman, buy him a steak, take a picture of it and hang it in my office.
21. Cause I said so, that's why. :-)
22. As Ron Swanson said, "Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing." I'd like tickets so my whole ass could sit in a seat at the Moore - after I've had a steak, bacon and eggs, a cigar and a few shots of whisky...man, that's an all-American night.
23. ...because there's no way I could afford to take my wife to this but she loves this guy!
24. Sent from my iPad
25. because of reasons.
26. "This might be the first time I've ever wanted to attend an event." - Ron Swanson
27. After barreling through all four seasons of Parks and Rec in one week, Ron Swanson quickly became my favorite character. Seeing Nick Offerman live would top it off! I would definitely celebrate with an abundance of steak and whiskey!
28. My roommate and I LOVE him and I forgot to buy her a Christmas present and she got me something amazing...
29. Should this email be chosen for free tickets, feel free to reassign them to Christopher. Of course, I am much too busy crippling my local government to learn his real name but he fell out of my moustache, along with whole pieces of thick-slab bacon, while I was sanding down a canoe yesterday evening and I would appreciate the time away from him. Adequately yours,
30. I want to see Nick Offerman because "You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs. But what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have" is my rallying cry.
31. I'd like tickets! No good reason. Just think it'd be fun.
32. Pleeeeease, can I win the pair of free tickets to see him? He is by FAR the only reason I watch Parks & Rec. Seriously. So funny. I would be OH so happy (and very grateful) if I could see him in person.
33. Hi I'm hoping you may still be looking through emails. I think it would be awesome to suprise my boyfriend/fiancee with something fun. He gave me a promise ring 2 days before Valentine's, got me flowers, balloons and chocolates on the day. Then the next day was his bday. He had to quit his job due to poor mismanagement. His bday qas anticlimactic. Winning this would be fun and totally random.
Thanks for listening :-)