Why, John Keister?

John Keatley
Keister wants to stop the Portland food-truck invasion.
The former Almost Live host and longtime Seattle funnyman is an enduring favorite on local comedy stages, whom we've profiled before. Prior to his Saturday gigs at Bumbershoot, we put a few questions to him.

Why is Dick's so enduringly popular and even expanding? It's a recession-proof business. Everybody's got to have that cheeseburger, and they price it at exactly the price that you would pay for that item at that time. And you'll even pay the extra nickel for the tartar sauce. Nobody ever feels guilty about buying Dick's products.

Why do we see fancy cars there? There are certain places that everybody goes and certain places that only the poor go. [continued...]

Only the underclass goes to Walmart, but everybody goes to Costco. You could run into Gerard Schwarz at Costco. You could run into the mayor. You could run into Gary Locke and his little backpack. It's the same at Dick's. You run into everybody there--rappers, rock stars. I actually ran into Metallica at Dick's.

Why this new plague of food trucks? I love the taco trucks, and I have loved the taco trucks for 20 years. But I'm not just a big fan of the other trucks. Basically, I'm just a taco guy. I don't know where this other food has come from. If I wanna have sushi, I don't want it off the back of a truck. I think this other stuff somehow is coming from Portland. I don't understand it, and I don't understand Portland.

Why do we have to pretend we like the Sounders? I'm baffled. But I think Seahawks stadium is a really appropriate venue for where a game can be played and the ending score is one to zero. I think most people think the team's name is Xbox.

Why do we have to call Qwest Field by its new name, CenturyLink Field? KeyArena, it almost worked, because there's a "key" in basketball. But the idea that they sell everything, that everything is up for the top bidder, is kind of creepy. If I were a millionaire and I could buy the naming rights, I'd call it The Keister Bowl. But people would be much happier with the Dick's Bowl.

John Keister will appear at Celebrity Open Mic: Sat., 1:15 to 2:15 p.m.; and Laff Hole: 6:30 to 7:30 p.m., both at The Vera Project.

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