Push it good. Pour some sugar on me. I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend. It don't matter, just don't bite it. Justify my love. You shook me all night long.
He so (not) horny.
These are the foundations upon which great lap-dance songs are built, ladies and gents. Millions upon gazillions of drunken blue-ballers have been upsold into the shower after motorboating a fake rack during a Def Leppard power ballad at their friendly neighborhood strip club.
Wich, on Morrissey's birthday a couple days back, got us to thinking: What songs would be the worst to play during a lap dance--musical wood chippers, if you will? Here are the 10 worst, with brief odes to their ability to instantly Bea Arthur a boner.
10. "A Song for Mama" by Boyz II Men. Musically, this slow, sultry jam would appear to be perfect for a little bump and grind. Lyrically, it's earnest mush fit to be sung at a retirement home Mothers Tea to a group of smiling, wheelchair bound octagenarians. Mamas are the best, but you DO NOT want them peeking over your shoulder when it's time to pitch a tent.
9. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," Wham. George Michael is a powerhouse sex symbol with a voice to match. And while this song's kindergarten lyrics and j-j-j-jitterrbug style make it plenty danceable, it's the furthest thing from lap danceable imaginable.
8. "Weird Science," Oingo Boingo. One of the great unsolved mysteries of the '80s is how a film about designing the ideal female featured as its theme song a screaming example of New Wave androgyny at its limpest.
7. "Born In the USA," Bruce Springsteen. This fist-pumping anthem is awesome for getting stoked at a Fourth of July kegger. But it's the antithesis of the sort of track that'll get Chastity in the mood to take her Stars & Stripes bikini off.
6. "Danny's Song," Loggins & Messina. "Footloose" made us think twice about which track from Kenny's oeuvre to include on this list, but "even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you honey...think we're gonna have a son" is the opposite of the sort of message a strip club patron should be conveying to the employee on his lap.
5. "Friends," Michael W. Smith. A lifetime's not too long to live as friends? It actually is, especially if that "friend" is sitting on your chest.
4. "Who Let the Dogs Out?" The Baha Men. With a shouting chorus that encouraged stadium crowds to bark in response, this reggae-rap track has become a staple at sporting events nationwide. But strippers hate sports. And dogs.
3. "Girlfriend in a Coma," Morrissey/Smiths. Barely edging out "Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others," the Moz's silver medalist not only features a literal interpretation of the title, but he also admits there were times he wanted to murder the comatose lass in question. This just isn't the sort of approach that puts a young lady with serious daddy issues in the mood for lewd.
2. "This Land Is Your Land," Woody Guthrie. Lyrically, this song is empowering to Americans of all walks of life, even ones who walk around with no clothing on. On the other hand, who wants to toss their hair around to America's granddad plucking out a simple folk anthem on an old wooden guitar?
1. "Having My Baby," Paul Anka. Like "Danny's Song," only with the monogamous literalism cranked to 11. "The seed inside you, baby do you feel it growing?" Nope, nothing's growing during this song.