We probably should have seen this coming. In the six years since the infamous Janet Jackson "wardrobe malfunction" incident, Super Bowl viewers have been treated with classic, safe acts like The Who, the Rolling Stones, and Bruce Springsteen. But back in June, over 700 million people watched the Black Eyed Peas perform at the World Cup kick-off in South Africa. Plus with Fergie's ties to the NFL--believe it or not, she's a minority owner of the Miami Dolphins--it was only a matter of time until the pop powerhouse took to a field stateside for a spectacle lamented by a good number of football fans.
But because using the bathroom, chatting up party guests, and posting to Facebook and Twitter can only take up so much time, here are some suggestions for will.i.am, Fergie, apl.de.ap, and Tabo on how they can keep us from a beer-and-hot-wings-induced coma.
1. Since French House DJ-turned-American pop hitmaker David Guetta will be sharing the stage anyway, let him take over for a while. Say what you will, but songs like "Sexy Bitch" with Akon and "Memories" with KiD CuDi were--are--bonafide jams, and lately his Rihanna-graced "Who's That Chick" has been a bug in everyone's ear. What does it mean that his collaborations with will.i.am didn't strike that same chord?
2. Bring friends. If the Peas--particularly will.i.am.--have one underrated strength, it's clearly their knack for collaborations. Alone, Will has the hooks for tracks like Flo Rida's "In the Ayer," Usher's "OMG," and Nicki Minaj's "Check It Out" under his belt. Factor in Fergie's team-up with Ludacris for "Glamorous" and you've got a star-studded cast.3. We know what you said, but another "wardrobe malfunction" wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Fergie promised no repeat of the breast-baring past, but shrouded her actual plans by calling them "sexy, but not too sexy." We don't know exactly what that means, but there's no way it could be as exciting as a nipple shield.
4. Failing to bring back flashing, try another classic: wetting yourself. Apparently, that's the "wardrobe malfunction" Fergie knows how to rock--and if you don't believe me, just cruise back to San Diego circa 2005 when the interwebs were (slightly) abuzz with a singer who had a few drinks before hitting the stage that she has to regret.
5. Spice up the set by firing some of will.i.am's "i.am clothing" line into the crowd. Sure, it would be less exciting than sharing new computers via his position as Intel's "Director of Creative Innovation"--whatever that means--but significantly more cool than letting Taboo give away his memoir Fallin' Up: My Story. Plus, imagine how big those T-shirt canons would have to be to shoot jackets?
6. When all is said and done, stick to the hits. As much as we hate to admit it, the Peas have some songs in their repertoire that we like--or that have been ingrained into our consciousness with repeat radio play. But either way, pop hits like "I Got a Feeling," "Meet Me Halfway," "The Time (Dirty Bit)," and even peace-loving platitude "Where Is the Love?" have their place in America's heart. Just please, please don't pencil "My Humps" into the setlist. Some things are still sacred.