10 Traits of the Successful Music Critic (or: What I Can Bring to the Table Here at Reverb)

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I'm new here (like Gil Scott-Heron), so just let me introduce myself (like Humpty). My name is Grandy, pronounced with a "that's as far as I'm taking this riff." Chris Kornelis ordered me to write a post explaining why I'm fit for service at Reverb, so here's a brief list of my qualifications/music-critic superpowers and a little taste of what you can expect:

10. Solipsism: Oh, you wanted to hear about the band? About what the music itself is doing? About its context? Well, shut up. No one cares what you think. Instead, let's talk about ME for a minute. Let's talk about MY FEEEEEELINGS!!!

9. List-making: No weapon in the critic's arsenal--not even Internet polls or click-thru photo galleries--is as powerful as list-making. Why? Well, if man were meant to read about music in non-enumerated form, they'd have invented some other way of organizing discrete but related ideas--punctuation, or paragraph breaks, or something.

8. Mixed Metaphors: "Fleet Foxes' new song is as light as a feather with serious horsepower--also, you're being tickled by the feather."

7. Lazy Analogies: If #9 on this list and #8 had a baby, it would totally be Lazy Analogies . . . ON ACID! (Hat tip to Rob Harvilla.)

6. Obscure References: You know, it's like what Cap'n Jazz said about Sassy magazine.

5. Puns: More like "Crap'n Jazz," amirite?

4. Substance Abuse: Everyone knows that the best music writing comes from getting blackout drunk at the shows you're supposed to review and then staying up all night snorting "goofballs" to celebrate it being a Tuesday. ASK ANYBODY! To that end, I've pledged to Chris Kornelis and the VVM/New Times/Raytheon Group to triple my drug and alcohol intake effective immediately. I've already come up with a lot of great new story ideas, like: "What's the Deal with These Shakes?" and "Did Anybody Find My Keys Last Night?" Look for these coming soon!

3. Nepotism: Sure, there are probably great local bands out there that I'm NOT drinking buddies with, but how the hell am I supposed to know? Research? Nooooooo, thank you, buddy. I didn't get into music criticism to do legwork. You buy me beer, then we'll talk.

2. Adjectives: Shimmering! Cinematic! Angular! Crunchy! Ethereal! None of this shit means ANYTHING!

1. Trolling: Buckle your safety clich├ęs, Reverb--it's gonna be a lumpy oatmeal.

 
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