If you ever watch late-night TV, you probably know Esteban. He's the creepy-yet-fascinating perpetual-sunglasses-wearing toad man dressed all in black, with a giant-rimmed black leather hat, who sells guitars for five easy payments of $29.99. Why aren't you playing guitar? Because you've never before had available to you the Esteban system, which includes not only a fine, hand-crafted instrument, but a full instructional course. Now anyone can afford a guitar and anyone can learn to play like Esteban. Here, Esteban will demonstrate by picking "We Three Kings" as it has never before been picked by human hands. Such speed, such deftness, such pony-tailed soul! That could be you. You could ascend into a realm of pure gypsy artistry. You will become not only a master musician, but also a dropper of panties and a hurler of dragon-handled daggers.
Well, so enraged was one musician by these commercials, that he did what any sane person would: He anonymously composed a satirical Craigslist ad (h/t to Tim Dempsey):I have been searching for an authentic Esteban guitar for several years now. I am a world traveler and master guitar player, but nothing has ever impressed me like this $35-raw-materials, mass-produced-in-China, signed-by-a-QVC-hack instrument. If you have one of these guitars - preferably with instructional CDs or DVDs - please notify me immediately so that I can come to you, cash in hand.
If the guitar has a case or small ~20 watt practice amp, that is all the better. If it comes with a signature from Esteban himself - even a mass-produced, laser engraved version - an extra $100 is on the table. If your guitar is lucky enough to be in *mint* condition - the type of guitar that was socked away in a closet unused after the first painful attempt and fingering an open E chord, leaving the strings to oxidize slowly but letting you honestly claim 'mint, unused condition' - all the better.
Please, I beg of you. Don't listen to those saying these guitars are worthless pieces of trash - the stringed equivalent of a Styrofoam cup. I've seen the home shopping channel sell these, and NEARLY SELL OUT every time. Clearly, they are a collector's item.
Come to me first, the Esteban Hunter. You will not regret it.
PS: Also very interested in acquiring any guitar package that came in a large cardboard box for ~$130 at your local Guitar Center. Again, some see these as worthless 'starter kit' ploys to wring out well-meaning parents and goofballs that don't know better - but I disagree. Buying an instrument encased in cardboard, without playing it first, is truly the mark of a brave soul, and I want to reward you for that bravery.