The Jonas Brothers played at the Tacoma Dome on Sunday, June 28.
The sign posted at the concession stand read: "Due to the nature of tonight's event, we will not be serving alcohol." Fuck. We decided to hit up a bar for some shots and come back. So we made our way to the exit and were stopped there by a sign that read: "No reentry." Fuck. We were trapped. And sober...ish. (We drank prior to the event.)
Now don't get me wrong--I'm not a Jonas Brothers hater. I think they're pretty talented and they make undoubtedly great pop music. They sound like a polished version of punk-pop band Something Corporate. Cute!
No, I needed to take the edge off because Jonas Brothers fans are the craziest, loudest, most hysterical fucking people on this planet. Imagine the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit and multiply that by a billion. There were hundreds of Jo Bros t-shirts, signs, purses, and little girls screaming. Oh, the screams. It was worse than cats screwing. My ears started ringing and wouldn't stop until well after the show.The Jonas Brothers played for 90 minutes, drawing mostly from their new album Lines, Vines, and Trying Times. The crowd screamed the entire time. Even when the youngest (and arguably, only truly talented brother) Nick took the stage solo to play a couple piano melodies and talk about his battle with diabetes, everybody cheered. He recalled when he was diagnosed, dramatically saying: "I looked her in the eyes and said 'Am I gonna die?'" For some reason right then, everyone cheered louder than ever. Apparently, finding out you have diabetes is awesome.
It's hard for me to understand the shrill dedication of the Jo Bros fanbase because by the time Disney came up with their television show stars + pop stars shtick, I was in college. So while I'm familiar with the likes of Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers, I haven't watched their television shows. Disney's genius for conjuring up that whole marketing scheme because it's given a young audience not only products, but personalities, to be obsessed with. Hence, the deafening crowd at the Tacoma Dome.
That said, while the Jonas Brothers' fame is larger than life, the boys themselves are actually fairly tiny. They all look like they're still in middle school--which is weird, because the youngest member is 17. Because Joe Jonas is 19, I feel safe saying that he's a total babe. He's got the sexy hair and smoldering eyes. Most of the girls in the crowd were either diehard devotees of the Joe camp or the Nick camp. The battle of sexy versus cute. I vote for the former.
Anyway, I digress. The evening took a sour turn when Joe shouted out, "We're going to play a song now for the parents! And you can sing along and show your kids that you're still with it!" The Jonas Brothers then launched into a cover of Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline." It was the only song I knew all the words to. For the record, I'm not a parent. So that little shout-out from the band made me feel old as shit.
Toward the end of the evening, the boys crawled onto moving platforms holding giant hoses that they then sprayed their fans with. It was like Sea World, where those fortunate to be sitting close enough to the whales get soaked. We ended up soaked in the Jonas Brothers' sticky, soapy foam. The audience left the show feeling exhilarated.
...I know the opportunity for jokes here is abundant, but I'm gonna call it a day.