Ahoy, Seattle musicians, fans and friends!
We're all quite aware that the current
American global economy blows massive chunks. Therefore, I have a proposition for any artists or music geeks out there who are making their way to the festival by motor vehicle, are low on funds and have an empty seat to spare. Actually, it's more of a request. No, I take it back. This is begging.
See, in the years that I've been of an age to enjoy SXSW, I've never been in possession of the kind of cash required to acquire a plane ticket, badge AND lodging. This year is different: for once, I have a place to sleep in Austin. Only I can't afford the plane ticket. I know what you're thinking: Sara, why in the name of Jim James would any band want to haul your sorry ass to Texas? Well, I'll give you ten good reasons.
1. In addition to chipping in for gas and expenses, I will give every single person
in the vehicle unlimited, high quality back rubs for the duration.
2. I will be the designated sober driver so that everyone else can get loaded in the evenings. I will even hold your hair back if the night ends badly for you. Of course, I can only do this for one person at a time, so you'll have to take turns.
3. I'll help you haul your equipment. We Jews are accustomed to hard physical labor.
4. If you play any shows en route to the festival, I will faithfully serve as your own personal, sign-holding groupie.
5. I can entertain you during the drive with my diverse knowledge of zombie films. Which means that if zombies should attack us at any juncture along the way, I will know exactly what to do. And I'm a great shot.
6. Speaking of which, I fear nothing. Not zombies, not snakes, not spiders, not sharks, not criminals, not sleeping in cars or in gutters, not going days without a shower...NOTHING. Except for Ted Nugent. I do fear Ted Nugent.
7. I am a card carrying Triple A member, which will come in handy if the car breaks down; I also own a (hand-me-down but functional) GPS.
8. I have a professional-quality camera, with which I will take photos of your band for your promotional use should you so desire my (free) amateur services. That is how grateful I am to you for giving me the opportunity to travel with you rock stars.
9. I am not so bad to look at. And I promise not to complain, ever, even if you force me to listen to Faith No More for hours on end. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened to me on the way to a music festival.
10. If you wish, I would be happy to publicize your band by writing anecdotes about our epic journey on this very blog-- and you can write some too, if you like!
Inquiries may be directed to email@example.com.