I recently had the pleasure of browsing through the online personal ad of a friend. His ad did not disappoint. Packed full of deliciously ridiculous confessions of love for Norah Jones, romantic walks on the beach, and naked women, it had me rolling with voyeuristic joy. It fit all my preconceived notions of his handsome, charming, cheesy self. Then I scrolled back to the top to see the line “Excuse me ma’am, I think you dropped this” over a smiley picture of my friend on a local beach, holding a crab. Setting aside the possibility that the VD connection was a truly inspired fuckup, is it hot? I’m feeling cut off from the online dating world, missing some quality of hotness in the implication that the potential date has crabs. Please advise.
Out of the Loop
Crabs are not a venereal disease, but rather an infestation that can be transmitted amongst friends who get naked (or close to it) together. But to answer your question, no, pubic lice are decidedly not hot. A sense of humor, however, is. He’s got one, you should get one.
I have purposely—both when dumped and dumping—stayed friends with quite a number of my exes [Dategirl, Feb. 11]. I regret the ex who refused to stay friends and was a prissy queen about it. I was the dumpee in that one, not the dumper, btw. These were not casual dates, or even longer-term “dating”—these were real relationships in which the “L” word was used by us both at some point. One is not at risk of either of us wanting to cheat, but he has to be careful lest the new GF get a bit jealous. One is a dear, dear friend whose input and insight I greatly value. One is a stellar guy whose wedding I will be attending in a few months. I have one ex I refuse to let back in my life in any form—when I was dumping him for lying to me, he slammed me against a wall so hard it broke a rib.
I realize this is not a path taken by most or even very many, but it is how some of us are wired. True love should be based on real things, not just chemistry. There might be something worth keeping there even if it ends (an argument for not letting things “end badly,” too). My child’s other parent is a friend and an ally, and the new wife is OK by me, too. Time to heal is good. But telling someone to “cut him out of your life” is not always the best advice. I realize I am quite a bit older than either you or “Samantha,” so benefit from my experience, aye?
Friend, Not Foe
The youngster who wrote in because she was all torn up about her ex didn’t need to torture herself further by attempting to participate in a friendship that only caused her pain. Most people just can’t switch off their feelings and dive immediately into pal mode. It takes a lot of work. And a lot of distance.
I stayed friends with my second-ever boyfriend for years. Once his current girlfriend—who may be his wife by now, for all I know—decides to allow him unsupervised telephone time again, maybe we will be again. I can’t really blame her for limiting his access to me, as the last time I saw him we slept together (we were both single then). And sure, that element of sexual tension isn’t the case with every ex. I still run into my last big-time boyfriend from time to time, and I must say, the thought of allowing his tongue—let alone his wiener—anywhere near my naked flesh skeeves the hell outta me. What was I thinking?!?! I don’t hate him, I just don’t particularly like him. Most of the time when I’m done with someone (be it friend or lovah man), I’m done.
Perhaps the biggest difference between you and me is that—with the exception of the rib breaker—you date men who are worthy of you and therefore worth maintaining a friendship with. From now on, I think I’m going to give that a try.
Make an effort: Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
