Seattle Weekly’s (Largely Uninformed) Panel of Experts Weigh In on the 2014 Mariners

Photography by Jeremy Dwyer-Lindgren

The Seattle Mariners started off the 2014 campaign on a positive note, logging wins in the first two of the season's 162 games, placing the team alone in first place in the AL West. Hope springs eternal. The team has a new manager (yet again), and this could (finally) be the M’s year!

Of course, that’s not terribly likely, but why ruin a good thing? Opening Week isn’t about cold reality. It’s about what could be. Let’s keep the focus there.

So what will the 2014 season hold for the Mariners? That’s the big question. Much like the Seattle Times , Seattle Weekly has brought together a panel of experts to weigh in ...

Ellis E. Conklin, Staff Writer

Mariners 2014 Record: 74-88

Reasoning: Face it, people, the offense is weak. They have only two legitimate starters, and they are in a division with three teams that are vastly superior. The upside to all this? Tickets will be easy to come by.

Matt Driscoll, Staff Writer

Mariners 2014 Record: 82-80

Reasoning: There’s something in the air in Seattle. Or the water. As the Seahawks taught us, Seattle isn’t a loser anymore. We’re winners! The tide has turned, at long last! Rejoice!

When it comes to the Mariners ... that should translate into a record two games over .500, and maybe even meaningful baseball in August. Dream big, people. Anything’s possible. Refuse to Lose.

Gwendolyn Elliott, Entertainment Editor

Mariners 2014 Record: 56 - 106

Reasoning: I don’t know much about baseball, but I do know a thing about food and booze—two things Safeco Field does right, albeit at a premium. Win or lose, if I’m going to watch the M’s, I’m doing it on a full stomach, with a Field Roast frankfurter, a pile of garlic fries, and a few shots of El Zacatecano tequila from Edgar’s Cantina. Based on the amount of food and liquor I’ll consume at the two games I’ll likely attend this year, with an average of 50 fries per order, that’s 100 fries, two dogs, and around four drinks. My prediction: 106 losses, 56 wins.

Mark Baumgarten, Editor-in-Chief

Mariners 2014 Record: 93-69 (wildcard berth)

Reasoning: I am endlessly frustrated at the lack of imagination from all of the so-called experts. It seems they have all taken to President Obama’s maxim in regards to his NCAA bracket: “Yes, I may be conservative, but if I’m in the top 50 percent, at least I won’t get mocked.” What gutless talk. Spring is not the time to avoid mockery; it is the time to fearlessly invite it, be you the president of the United States or the Mariner’s beat writer at a daily paper that shall remain nameless. With that, I offer up this prediction based on a spring of half-paying-attention and a strong belief that both the A's and the Rangers will be plagued with injuries and over-confidence throughout the season. I invite your mocking, Mr. President!

And since I have The Mariners heading to the post-season, I guess I should explain what will happen there. Unfortunately the Mariners will lose the wildcard playoff game to the Kansas City Royals after Jesus Montero - called up from AAA late in the season after Justin Smoak quits the team to join a monastery and Corey Hart finally admits that, yes, his knees do in fact hurt and that he’s “just gonna keep sitting right here and watch the game, okay?” - trips on his way to first base, earning the third out on what would otherwise have been a game-tying RBI in the bottom of the ninth. Way to go, Jesus.

Nicole Sprinkle, Food Editor

Mariners 2014 Season Record: 93-69

Reasoning: I know squat about baseball, though as a child I had a big crush on Reggie Jackson. Go figure! Anyway, I’m going to base my prediction on another Seattle favorite that starts with an M: Macklemore. Baseball season is 279 days long. I’ll venture a guess that during that time, KEXP will mention or play Macklemore at least a third of those days, which equals 93. So my prediction:93 wins, 69 losses.

Gavin Borchert, Editorial Operations Manager

Mariners 2014 Season Record: TBD

Reasoning: I predict the Mariners will win as many games in their 162-game season as the Sounders will in their 34-game season.

Peter Muller, Account Executive

Mariners 2014 Season Record: 6-5-151

Reasoning: I think there will be a lot of ties this year. Some wins, some losses.. but mostly just ties.

Brett Leverett, The New Sales Rep Guy

Mariners 2014 Season Record: 89-73

Reasoning: New Manager. New star 2nd baseman. Ackley already has his beard in mid-season mode. Tijuan Walker finally gets his chance. I want to believe.

Seth Kolloen, Sportsball Columnist

Mariners 2014 Season Record: 73-0*

Reasoning: The Mariners begin the season on a extremely suspicious 73-game winning streak. After win 73, investigators announce that all Mariner players have been ingesting a special concoction of Douglas Fir needles and salmon roe called "Squatch Juice," commissioned from Tom Douglas by a Mariners' executive team desperate to win. MLB disqualifies the Mariners for the season, declares all wins forfeited, and moves the team to Sacramento.

Matt Silvie, Sales Man

Mariners 2014 Record: 162-0

Reasoning: What would you have of the weather?

Dan Person, Former Managing Editor, Current Man About Grand Coulee

Mariners 2014 Season Record: 72-90

Reasoning:

Nina Shapiro, Senior Editor

Mariners 2014 Season Record: 81-81

Reasoning: I went to one game last year, where the score was something like 15-0 in the first 10 minutes. Call me crazy, but I’m not predicting great things. I say we’ll be lucky with a 81-81. MVP: Any Mariner who can pitch.

Sam Borgen, Former Sales Guy, Turncoat

Mariners 2014 Season Record: 92-70

Reasoning: There’s nothing wrong with blind optimism. Robinson Cano doesn’t miss a beat in his new digs and King Felix feasts on the whiffed swings of peasants like Mike Trout. Lloyd McClendon is the second coming of sweet Lou. Justin Smoak finally hits his weight, and Dustin Ackley’s beard achieves sentience, grows arms and bats .400.

Alternative Reasoning: Willy. Fucking. Bloomquist. ‘Nuff said.

Kelton Sears, Staff Writer

Mariners 2014 Season Record: 0-162

Reasoning: Every game, I will run onto the field wearing only a hockey mask and beat the television cameras with a hockey stick until Seattle gets its own hockey team.

 
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