The Rules of the Booty Call

Dear Dategirl,

Since you have a Large Greek , I doubt you are aware of how difficult it is to find regular, quality, no-strings peen in America. You’d think it would be falling off trucks, but no—guys flake, they lie, they have girlfriends, wives, they say they want an ongoing thing but they just want a one-time bang (and lie about that, too).

For the past year I have been hooking up on the regular with a guy I found on Craigslist. He’s smart, funny, handsome, and we were really clear that this was not a romantic relationship, but a sexual one. He asked me to be exclusive and I agreed. It was pretty great. Until yesterday, when he updated his Facebook feed to “in a relationship.”

First of all, the guy is about to turn 40, not 17, which makes it laughable. But he didn’t even let me know first. This is crappy, right? Especially since I was basically on lockdown while he was out hunting for a girlfriend.

I think he should have had the courtesy—since I was doing him like a pro for the past year without any sticky “feelings”—to give me a heads-up before he let his hundreds of Facebook friends in on his happy news. Now I have to start the hunt over again, but I am seriously rankled.

Was I expecting too much here? Am I taking this too personally? What are the rules when it comes to NSA?

—Betrayed by the Booty

What a dick. Of course that was rude. I have quite a few guidelines for NSA sex, but the problem with giving you a list of rules is that you can’t really expect anyone else to follow them.

For example, you two had an agreement to be monogamous, which you kept to and he didn’t. Even more annoying is that he was the one who requested it in the first place. Which brings us to Rule #1: Don’t ever agree to monogamy with a trick. If he asks, just demur and change the subject. If he persists, tell him that men have a habit of falling in love with you and you don’t want that from him. You don’t say why you do or don’t want an actual love thang, but by getting reliable rogering from the same person, you may close yourself off from a real relationship with someone worthy. With just one guy comes complications, as we’ve seen here. Feelings—even not of the romantic variety—arise and you get invested.

Rule #2: Keep a rotation. Yes, a series of sexual encounters with the same guy would be ideal. You know what flavor of Gatorade to keep in the fridge (men who are only in your life for performance purposes don’t get liquor—why risk flaccidity?); you know he’s better with his hands than his mouth; you’ve also had the time to suss out that he’s not into adult-baby nonsense—not that there’s anything wrong with that; and you can be reasonably sure he’s not a serial killer. But by keeping a spare on hand (or in mouth), you’re not left high and dry if one gets overly attached to his yoga instructor or turns out to like Dave Matthews.

Rule #3: No sleepovers. Because with sleeping comes cuddling, and then there’s morning, and then there might be that grossest of meals, brunch. Once you do the bang-’n’-brunch, you may as well pack it in, because you’ve got yourself a boyfriend.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

Want more? Listen to Judy on The Mike & Judy Show, follow her tweets @HitOrMissJudy, or buy her book, The Official Book of Sex, Drugs and Rock ’n’ Roll Lists.

 
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