Maybe-Gayby Problems

Dear Dategirl,

I am a 41-year-old woman and have been trying to get pregnant with my gay best friend. I've always thought it would be a great idea to raise offspring with someone with whom I am not romantically involved, as (I rationalized) the stability of the child's home life would not be contingent on the stability of a romantic relationship. However, now I think I may be completely fucking wrong!

Several issues have come up recently, but the main one is this: I also happen to have an out-of-town male lover, which seriously pisses off my gay maybe-baby daddy. I've confirmed with doctors that as long as we are safe, there's no medical reason not to. In fact, anything that relaxes me is good for potential conception (this other man is not a daddy candidate for various reasons).

None of this matters to my friend, who says it's a deal-breaker if I keep sleeping with this guy. He swears he's not jealous, but that it is just "wrong," and shows that I'm not being serious about our "project." I've encouraged him to sleep with other people, but he insists on remaining celibate except for our sessions (yes, we're trying the old-fashioned way, which I think contributes to the problem).

For me it's a purely perfunctory act, and I know it can take a long time, so I don't want to give up fun sex for what might be well over a year. I understand how vulnerable he must feel as a gay man trying to get it up for pussy, but I still think he is acting like a caveman, and it's making me have second thoughts: If this is how he acts now, won't it be much worse if there is a kid involved? Or is he right, and I am just being a selfish slut?

—Trying My Patience

Your big mistake was trying to conceive this kid the traditional way. Why, in a world filled with turkey basters and professional semen wranglers, would you opt for the old-fashioned approach? Obviously this guy has grown attached, and that's why everything turned to shit.

Think about it. He's been happily boning dudes for however many years, and now he's trying it with a girl—and I'm guessing he's appalled to find out that he actually likes it. Most of us aren't 100 percent gay or straight (check out that famous Kinsey scale), and he likes you enough to be best friends with you, but now he discovers he actually likes schtupping you too? Confusion! It's like how the biggest homophobes are often the biggest closet cases. What they can't accept makes them angry. It's a dude thing.

And because he can't cop to his feelings for you, he's resorted to slut-shaming, which is just silly. It's not as if you're smoking crack, just a little pole. Regardless, bringing a baby into this mix sounds like a really bad idea. Unless he can simmer down and lighten up, it may be time to abort this mission.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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