Problem Penises and Pudenda

Dear Dategirl,

I recently began dating a man I've had a crush on since college. Fast-forward 10 years—I'm finally getting my wish. We had several chaste dates, and then last night, I went home with him. But while we were "getting acquainted" with each other's bodies, I noticed his penis was covered in bumps. They weren't oozing, like pimples or herpes, but they were very pronounced. Prior to noticing this, I had been intending to put it in my mouth. But the bumps . . . I just didn't want to risk anything. I asked him about them, very politely, and his whole demeanor shifted. He said everyone's body is different and then got dressed quickly. I tried to talk to him about it, but he made it clear the conversation was over. Was I wrong? I've seen many penises (and have one of my own), but never one like this. Was I wrong to ask? I don't think so, but what can I do?

—Picky About Penises

While it's true that bodies have all kinds of quirks, weird hairs, lumps, and bumps, it makes sense to avoid the kind of cooties that might possibly be transmitted between partners. You were correct to inquire as to their origin, and he was kind of a jerk to shut you down. I'd say you dodged a bullet. And probably a case of venereal warts too.

How do I know that I taste good? I haven't had many sex partners, and tend to avoid letting guys go down on me because I get too anxious about what he might be smelling or tasting. I'm fine with blow jobs, I'm just kinda uptight about receiving. This is starting to be a problem, because my new boyfriend really wants to. How can I know?

—What if I Taste Like Spoiled Tuna?

Here's a quick way to figure this out: Jam a finger in there and taste it yourself. Vagina juice isn't exactly a hot-fudge sundae, but unless you've got some rancid infection down there, it's pretty inoffensive. Besides, people don't go down on each other because they're hungry, they do it to give each other pleasure. Why do you think nobody's marketed Semen Soda or frozen Vagina Poppers yet?

Another thing to keep in mind is the typical male diet. Let's use my Large Greek as an example. He eats intestines and lamb brains (on Easter), and, until he found out the owner was a reprehensible pig, used to crave Papa John's disgusting pizza. He regularly enjoys Marmite. Do I think he "minds" the taste of my ladyparts? Never even crossed my mind.

So loosen up there, my frigid friend. If you like this guy, take a shower before you see him. Better yet, take a shower with him when you see him. Won't you feel a little more confident once you're positive there's no poo residue or pesky TP cling-ons? Have a glass or two of wine if that relaxes you. Or maybe enjoy a relaxing toke off a newly legal joint. Recall that you've guzzled his man essence (which is not exactly Dom Pérignon), and realize that turnabout is fair play.

dategirl@seattleweekly.com

 
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