Sticking it to David Stern the Barely Legal Way

Much to the delight of Sonics fans, and just in time for the Olympics, a geopolitical power struggle has broken out among the hardcourts and boardrooms of professional basketball. A number of NBA players and one prominent high school star have accepted lucrative, tax-free contracts to play for European teams. Meanwhile, seeking to restore its symbolic dominance and avenge past losses, the United States has assembled a “Redeem Team” of NBA All-stars, key members of which are coupling their on-court exploits with public speculation about hopping the pond to ball for more cash by decade’s end.

Thus far, the speculation remains just that, but the loose consortium known as the Euroleague would be foolish not to recognize the hint of a buckle in the knee of the NBA Goliath, the faint intimation of a wobble in the heavyweight’s stance. Such a show of weakness must be exploited. Here’s how:

The Euroleague must hold its own draft, with all players 18 years of age or above available. Hubristically, the NBA has taken itself out of the 18-year-old game, thinking that, like true love, talent will wait. A Eurodraft would expose the bankruptcy of that sucker’s refrain, leaving Stern to model his banana hammock in anticipation of a honeymoon that never materializes. (Sorry for that image, folks.)

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Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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Welcome to the XXIX Olympiad and the Golden Age of Sports Drama

The Olympics are upon us, bringing a worldwide focus on the drama of sport. The thrill of victory; the agony of defeat; the spirit of international harmony in the form of medal counts and unreported domestic drug test failures; the opportunity to make millions by pairing puffed-up heros with flaky breakfast cereals; the prospect of Bob Costas and Matt Lauer narrating another mind-numbing opening ceremony; the hubbub over whether China's gymnasts are "legal"; the hullabaloo over whether Maria Sharapova would be allowed to carry the Russian flag in said ceremony (a shoulder injury has negated the debate; the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity now goes to the once-a-year player, Andrei Kirilenko); we even have a local representative in the aptly-named Hope Solo, who has been shunned by her teammates for the last fourteen months as punishment for badmouthing her replacement in a moment of frustration. It warms a sports fan’s heart.

The truth is, the Olympics have always been a soap opera, or, as they are frequently called, a five-ring circus. Drugs, sabotage, conspiracy, even terrorism and protest...the event that was last to embrace professionalism and commercialism is a trailblazer in melodrama. The good news: it’s back. The better news: the rest of the sports world has caught up.

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Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy! and Olympics

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Fuck It: I’m Going With The Blazers

Seattleites expressing Portland envy is beyond passe, but as a basketball fan, I have to indulge. Last season, I proposed trading the Sonics, the S.L.U.T., Christine Gregoire’s expiring contract, and an American Apparel to Portland for the Blazers. Apparently, the Rose City wasn’t biting. Now we lack a team to root for, let alone trade. And the most exciting, most Seattle-connected, best-run franchise in basketball is just a drunken train ride away. The desire to see the league (and David Stern) fail is strong, and there are those who say we can’t switch sides to a former “rival,” but I'm not alone when I say, fuck it: I’m going with the Blazers.

They’ve had the more entertaining team for some time—basically, since Wally Walker & co. decided that a Shawn Kemp/Gary Payton/George Karl core wasn’t good enough to win a championship. (The one exception was the 2004-2005 season, when coach Nate “Mr. Sonic” McMillan led the Supes to a lucky, fun, run-and-gun first-place finish; the front office promptly lost him to Portland.) While we suffered through Vin Baker’s jowly lethargy, Portland fans enjoyed an orgy of low and high criminality with a decidedly Up in Smoke tint; Rasheed Wallace and Damon Stoudamire hotboxing in a speeding Hummer, J.R. Rider toking with a pop can, and Stoudamire making an encore by setting off an airport metal detector with about an ounce-and-a-half of bud wrapped in tin foil. If your team’s going to be a joke, it might as well be funny.

These days, Portland has thrust the mantle of dysfunction (along with/in the person of Zach Randolph) onto the New York Knicks, and new Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard is steadily crafting a marvel, one with significant Seattle ties. You probably already know that the Blazers are owned by Paul Allen, coached by McMillan, led by Seattle’s favorite NBA son, Brandon Roy, and feature former Seattle Prep star Martell Webster. But more importantly, Pritchard’s adding young, athletic players by the handful—high-flyers like Greg Oden, Travis Outlaw, Nicolas Batum, Rudy Fernandez, and Jerryd Bayless. He’s importing Europe’s best point guards—Sergio Rodriguez, Petteri Koponen...I wouldn’t be surprised if he finds a way to score Ricky Rubio. In Oden and LaMarcus Aldridge, the Blazers may have the third best frontcourt in the league, at an average age of 21.5. Watching Pritchard deal with other GMs is a little like watching Alex Trebek host and compete in a Saturday Night Live Celebrity Jeopardy episode while holding the cue cards with the answers in his hand. (The Sean Connery of this analogy? Darius Miles.)

I’ll admit—I spent the better part of the last decade rooting against the Sonics, hoping that failure would displace their inept front office, never thinking the losses would lead to the team leaving town. I also found myself cheering for young, fast-paced squads like the 04-07 Phoenix Suns and this year’s New Orleans Hornets, teams that had the potential to change the model of success to one that’s actually entertaining. So maybe I’m more attached to a style than I am loyal to any team. And of course part of me is all about David Stern’s business taking a hit, however it happens. But, given the current state of affairs, we Sonics fans would be foolish not to maximize our enjoyment of the juggernaut gestating just a few hours away.

Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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Kevin Calabro: Best in Show

When my friends Anthony and Mary got married last September, I had the great honor of helping to officiate the ceremony. Nevertheless, I wasn’t my first choice. Legendary ABC college football announcer Keith Jackson was. I figured, whose voice says “exciting Saturday in September” more than his? (If I had to choose someone to call a wedding night, it would of course be Bill Raftery, spouter of spectacular ejaculations (Onions! Nylon! A little lingerie!) and coiner of this column’s title, “The bounce to ecstasy!”)

That we become conditioned to associate the voices of our favorite sportscasters with happy experiences is no novel observation. In Seattle we’ve been lucky to have some particularly good game-callers—local treasures like the Bobs (Rondeau and Blackburn) and jovial Cliff Clavin-channeler Ron Fairly join big names like Jackson, a Wazzu alum who sharpened his broadcast teeth on Washington Huskies and Seattle Rainiers games, and Dave Niehaus, now in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

But one broadcaster deserves the title of Seattle’s favorite: Kevin Calabro. He has chosen city over duckets, flown high the "fuck you" flag so that it can be seen from Clay Bennett’s offices in Oklahoma City and David Stern’s in New York, and now signed on to be the play-by-play voice of Sounders FC. As Mike Seely notes, there might not be another example in sports where fan excitement over the signing of a team’s announcer matched or exceeded excitement over the team itself.

Of course, loyalty’s not the only, or even the primary, reason to love Calabro. Where most sportscasters win fans with folksiness and others try mightily to flaunt wit and erudition, Calabro coolly narrates the game while tossing off brilliant, allusive catchphrases with uncanny ease.

A quick survey of some of his famous calls reveals a familiarity with George Clinton (Get up for the down stroke!), Stanley Kubrick (Flying chickens in the barnyard!), French oaths (Sacre bleu!), oft-cited but rarely practiced sexual maneuvers (Two in the cake, one in the pudding—Brent Barry with the shocker!), and the Book of One Thousand and One Nights (Ali Baba, that Kemp is strong!). (In fairness to Calabro, he says he wasn’t familiar with the meaning of “shocker” when he made the Barry call.)

He’s well-read but not bookish, hip but not smug, clever but never over eager. When looking to cast someone as Calabro in the imaginary Major League IV, it seemed only a rapper could fit the bill of effortless, mellifluous cool. (In the end, I went with Lil Wayne.)

Can the bard of the hardwood make the switch to the pitch? Can the balding baritone bring the shocker to soccer? Sonics fans may be hopeful. Soccer fans may be skeptical. I think he’s simply too good to fail.

Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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Ichiro: Mariner Player Hater of the Year

Just this week we learned that it's an annual tradition for Ichiro to deliver a profanity-laden, National League-denigrating pre-game pep talk to his AL all-star brethren. The profane, insult-oriented nature of his speech brings to mind The Chappelle Show's vaunted Player Hater's Ball. It seems that Mr. Roboto is not the only elite hater from the Pacific Rim.

Similarly, it's not just the AL All-Stars who get to hear Ichiro hate. Here's what happened when Ichiro delivered his annual 2nd half pep-talk to his teammates:

(Ichiro walks before the assembled team, opens a Gatorade, and pours some the on clubhouse carpet.)

That was for Johnny Mac. Dude couldn’t manage a hot dog stand, but he let me play centerfield.

(Pours some more Gatorade on clubhouse carpet)

That was for Bavasi. If his wife's got a brain to go with that ass, she won't let him use the credit cards.

(Pours some more Gatorade on the clubhouse carpet.)

That was for Richie. He couldn’t hit water in an ocean, but as a well-groomed man myself, I appreciated his frosted tips. See you at the crossroads, Sexy.

(Opens a new bottle of Gatorade and empties the entire thing on the clubhouse carpet. A clubhouse custodian closes his eyes and silently recites the serenity prayer.)

That was for Adam Jones. He’s better than all you suckers, and we traded him for some broke-ass “ace.”

Now on to the rest of you bitches.

Turbo.

(He slowly paces back and forth in front of the assembled team.)

Turbo, Turbo, Turbo. You ain’t even the best Jose on this team. You got more curves than your woman—trust me. Your numbers are worse than Wilkerson’s were when we dumped his mullet ass. Clean-up?!! The only thing you could clean-up is a dessert buffet. You look like Dom DeLuise in a celebrity softball tournament.

Jarrod. If I wanted to see some spoiled, no-talent, trick-ass motherfuckers whine, I’d watch My Super Sweet Sixteen. At least that has some production value.

Yuni, you overeatin’ overstuffed raft-ridin’ mark-ass. If I wanted foie gras, I’d go to some classy establishment with your lady. Except I wouldn’t take your lady to a classy establishment. And I don’t call her a lady. And I don’t eat foie gras because it’s cruel to animals. Get on a diet. Don’t make me staple your stomach, motherfucker.

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Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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Inquiring Minds Want to Know: 45 Questions on Seattle Sports

1. Could I beat Jose Vidro in a foot race?
2. If not, should I feel bad about myself?
3. Will the basketball franchise located in Oklahoma City clear cap room for the big free agent classes of 2009 and 2010?
4. Will they strike out and instead end up signing Bryant “Big Country” Reeves?
5. Will he be an improvement over Robert Swift?
6. Better frosted tips: Richie Sexson or Bret Boone?
7. Aren’t you glad the Mariners traded Adam Jones?
8. Will Ichiro finish the season with an on base percentage higher than his slugging percentage?
9. Will Jose Vidro finish the season with a batting average higher than his (actual, not listed) body weight?
10. Will Richie Sexson?
11. Do the Mariners scouts communicate with the front office via e-mail or telegram?
12. Did Arthur Rhodes really decline to pitch because he "slept on his arm funny"?
13. Should the Mariners replace him with Carl Weathers?
14. Carl Weathers wouldn't sleep funny on his arm, would he?
15. Did Vladimir Radmanovic and Freddy Garcia ever go out and party together when they were both in Seattle?
16. Better interview: Ty Willingham or Erik Bedard?
17. Stronger arm: Jake Locker or Ichiro?
18. Does uber-literalist Aubrey McClendon reply to the penis enlargement spam in his inbox?
19. Will he be the first NBA owner ever duped by a Sacha Baron Cohen prank?
20. If A-Rod had stayed in Seattle, what aging starlet would he have (allegedly) cheated on his wife with? Nancy Wilson?
21. Jean Enersen?
22. Penny LeGate?
23. Can Shawn Kemp still dunk?
24. Can he still party like it’s 1995?
25. Better yet, can Gary Payton?
26. Should KUBE give Sam Perkins a radio show again?
27. Whither Predrag Drobnjak?
28. If each player came with her own time machine, would the 2008 Storm be the best WNBA team ever assembled?
29. To show us that you really are open to Seattle having an NBA team, David Stern, will you grow your mustache back?
30. Will the Mariners ever have a promotion that tops Turn Back the Clock Day featuring Erik Estrada?
31. Better athletes: Cal Anderson park basketballers, tennis players, or dodgeballers?
32. Who would you rather have running your baseball team—Lee Pelekoudas or Dave Cameron and Derek Zumstag?
33. Do Cameron and Zumstag convincingly make the case that Adrian Beltre’s 2007 was the best season ever by a Mariners third baseman?
34. Is any league better at naming/branding their teams and players than the Rat City Rollergirls?
35. Who has the best mustache in Mariners history?
36. Should Jack Perconte feel insulted that he wasn't included in the conversation?
37. John L. Williams or Mack Strong?
38. Mike Holmgren or Wilford Brimley?
39. Better crooked hat: Mike Cameron or Felix Hernandez?
40. Does any NBA team have a dance squad worthy of battling the (late) Boom Squad?
41. What’s the difference between Jose Vidro and Bernie Lomax?
42. Does the Mariner Moose wear a cup?
43. What would Frank Brickowski do?
44. Is this year’s Seattle Mariners (expensive domestic failure nevertheless destined for big profits overseas) the sports equivalent of the Kevin Costner movie, Waterworld?
45. If so, does that mean that Ichiro drinks his own pee?

Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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Remembering Yesterday, Betting on Tomorrow

Yesterday’s settlement leaves Sonics fans nothing to do but whistle Annie’s “Tomorrow” and hope that Daddy Starbucks—the guy who sent us to the orphanage—swoops in to save the day. It’s been a hard knock life, watching Shawn Kemp get robbed in '93, so close in '96, traded in '97, fat by '98. Watching Wally Walker and Rick Sund run the franchise into the ground, seven feet at a time. (By my calculations, they took it about 49 deep.) Watching Vin Baker’s jowls wobble from the aftershocks of an opponent’s dunk. Watching GP win a title in another jersey. Watching Schultzie panic-sell like he was the dude who owned the sausage shop on the Ave. rather than the head of a worldwide coffee empire. Watching Stern and Bennett lie to us like a parent who says ‘this is gonna hurt me more,’ or a priest who says it’s God’s will. But watching an October approach without a training camp will be the hardest knock of all.

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Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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Honey, Get Me My Sonics Jersey: I’m Feeling a Draft!

The Sonics are here and will be until somebody pries the vintage Gary Payton jersey off of filmmaker Jason Reid’s cold, dead tits. (A note to the city: If, when she sends it to you, Pechman’s ruling sucks, just refuse to open it.) Right now, Reid’s tits are hot and alive, and the heart that beats beneath them is quickening to double time in anticipation of this afternoon’s action at Madison Square Garden. Our beloved Supers, led by their fearless, bespectacled boy genius, Sam Presti, have six picks (4, 24, 32, 45, 50, 55) with which to build Seattle’s next champion. So put on your pinstripe suit, call up your entourage, paint the living room green, and consult this Sonics draft guide for more armchair speculation and YouTube clips than anywhere else. (It's also probably got a bit of pro-PAC-10 bias, particularly in the later rounds, when the instinct is to go with the marginally talented player you know.)

It's no secret that last year’s team was less than awesome, leaving plenty of areas for improvement. The most notable are at the point and the pivot; with Kevin Durant and Jeff Green, the team is somewhat set at the swing spots. Nevertheless, the draft’s best talent, swingman Michael Beasley, may be available via trade. But more on that below, along with YouTube clips (of varying quality) for every player listed. A quick warning, some of the YouTube clips contain songs with NSFW lyrics. One clip—Malik Hairston's—contains Bill Raftery, coiner of the phrase, "the bounce to ecstasy!" And, as you'll likely note, while our friends overseas are quickly catching up to us on the court, they still have a long way to go when it comes to making YouTube mixes.

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Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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The Shocker Strikes Only Once

Monday’s Save Our Sonics rally was the roar of a little David determined to stand up to a rich, conniving Goliath. We enjoy this: There’s nothing sports fans like more than a good underdog story. It’s us against the owners, the league, and the world. A good scenario might entail cheering for a scrappy, undermanned squad for two years and hoping for a long-shot championship to keep the team here, or at least glorify our martyrdom. Is there any spectator experience more exhilarating than watching one’s favorite team—dismissed by all except its staunchest supporters—shock the world?

The problem is, the world can be shocked by that team only once. (Fool me once, the President might begin.) After that, the thrills diminish, and there’s no way to pack the pipe tight enough to match the first high. Or one is left with a variation of the madonna/whore complex, unable to support the team that no longer possesses the underdog purity that was its original draw. Worst of all, one can be so addicted to the thrill of underdog victory that one becomes what one previously hated: the obnoxious fan of the favorite who disingenuously claims disadvantage.

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Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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Tell John McLaren You Saved Him a Buck or Two by Dialing 1-800-COLLECT

They may be called the Mariners, but the only seafaring this year’s team invokes is a Viking funeral—a stillborn voyage sadly adrift and ablaze on the open seas, doomed before its launch by the annual disbursement of a large chunk of change to a handful of has-been and never-were free-agent busts. Bill Bavasi’s strategies are as underwhelming and stale as 50 Cent’s latest public feuds, and thus the season’s suspense now lies in whether the team will have a slugger whose RBI outnumber the team’s losses (Go Raul!). The current pace says no: the M’s project to 103 L’s, while Ibanez projects to a measly 98 RBI.

Nevertheless, there can still be fun for a fan in a season of futility. (Not necessarily in watching young players develop; Jeff Clement has been sent to Tacoma because it would be disrespectful to deny paying customers the pleasure of watching Jose Vidro.) It's just that, in a season like this, fun must be found in less conventional ways. I’m not quite sure how, but here’s a story that might give a creative fan an idea or two.

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Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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How to Throw a House Party, According to Seattle's Biggest Sports Franchises

June brings many reasons to celebrate: the beginning of summer, the end of the school year, and, if we’re lucky, designated hitter Jose Vidro’s fourth home run of the season. But with an abundance of celebration “why”s, it’s time to take a look at the “how”s. If you’ve been following the Sonics trial, you’ve heard a lot of talk lately about the cultural value of sports franchises. Today we take a look at our city’s three largest franchises and what they can show us about getting down. As you'll see, it takes more than just six dollar plastic bottles of Miller Lite and a P.A. system that'll play "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" to really get a party hopping:

How to throw a house party, Mariners style:
-Pre-funk with Kool-Aid, say "this will be the best party ever!"
-Buy cases of Busch for $40 each, call it Pyramid.
-Compose guest list of dudes who were hard partiers ten years ago or who partied really hard one time a long time ago.
-Enforce strict no girl-on-girl kissing policy.
-Blame guests for not partying hard enough.
-Drink O'Doul's, proclaim self drunk.
-Send the bill to that Nintendo dude.
-Retract the Roof!

Anyone seen Boonie?

How to throw a house party, Sonics style:
-Guest of Honor not old enough to drink.
-Threaten to move party to Oklahoma City.
-Don't advertise party.
-When nobody shows up, use that as excuse to try to move party to Oklahoma City.
-Exchange e-mails with other party planners, proclaim self 'possessed' by idea of moving party to Oklahoma City.
-File lawsuit to move party to Oklahoma City.
-Hire bouncers to defend party from gay marriage.
-Watch Doogie Howser re-runs, make Sam Presti repeat Doogie's lines.

"If you have a problem with that, I can get you someone who's older but not as smart as me."

How to throw a house party, Seahawks style:
-Get Paul Allen to sponsor party (bonus points if you can ride the SLUT there).
-Obtain public funding for venue with acoustic design to maximize noise.
-Keg stands with Blitz!

-Mike Holmgren as DJ (he already has the headphones). He will pull aside those leaving the dance floor and exhort them to “leave it all on the f---ing floor!”
-Watch lots of film.
-Enlist scouts to find guests with "good bubbles"
-Be competent, become default party when Sonics and Mariners parties suck.

Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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You Won't Disturb Aubrey McClendon: He'll Be in His Room Masturbating

Following the discovery phase of the upcoming trial between the Sonics and the City of Seattle is a little like watching the old Saturday Night Live skit, "Sincere Guy Stu." In the skit, Dan (Phil Hartman) and Leslie (Jan Hooks) return from a date only to have their amorous intentions unwittingly thwarted by Hartman's naive roommate, Stu (Joe Montana). The gimmick is that the viewer is privy to the thoughts of each character—to the anger behind the courteous words of Hartman and Brooks and the sincerity of Montana's declared intention to pleasure himself in his quarters.

Similarly, recent pre-trial depositions have given us e-mails in which ownership group leader Bennett fawns over NBA commissioner David Stern and declares himself "a man possessed" by his determination to move the team; Bennett's public relations man Brent Gooden quips, "Stern should take note and get us out of Dodge ASAP"; and—my favorite—co-owner Aubrey McLendon apologizes for publicly stating that the group intended to move the team by sending Bennett this myspace-esque mea culpa:

"Oh no. Just read this. Have I caused a problem for you. I am so sorry. The truth is we did buy it with the hope of moving to Oklahoma City."

McLendon is clearly the Stu of this saga.

What baffles is not the duplicity of Bennett or the simplicity of McClendon, but rather the group's collective willingness to put this stuff in writing, especially with the specter of litigation forever lurking between here and Oklahoma City. Was it a generational issue, a failure to comprehend the implications of technologies they began using relatively late in life? Was it hubris, fueled by their perceived BFF-ness with Stern? Was it a misguided notion that, like their fellow oil-barons in the White House, they could get away with making the messages disappear? (Silly rabbit—those tricks are for publicly paid elected officials sworn to uphold the Constitution!)

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Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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An Order of Mayo with a Side of Jazz Hands

Tuesday was the NBA Draft Lottery. The New Jersey Nets sent Jay-z as their representative. The Seattle SuperSonics sent Kevin Durant. And to accept the first pick in the NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls sent Steven Schanwald, the team

Topics: Damon Agnos: The Bounce to Ecstasy!

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Five Reasons to Save the Mariners' Season "The Right Way"

The likely prospect of another summer of not-so-lovable losing has this Mariners fan wishing for a skipper who will, in the words of G.O.B. Bluth,

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