Delonte or Smoove, Part II
Posted July 5, 2007 at 5:34 pm by Mike SeelyLast week marked the launch of a sure-to-be-short-lived column pitting the seductive wiles of new Sonics guard Delonte "Smoove D" West versus Onion romance columnist Smoove B. Following are actual quotes lifted from the web-based pontifications of both brothers. In the comments section, tell us who said what, just like last time:
A. "I will pay for the meal with my Gold Visa, and we will then go to my place and retire to le boudoir, which is French for 'my bedroom.' There, as the music of Peabo Bryson plays, I will hit you doggy-style all night long. The next morning, I will serve you breakfast in bed, featuring eggs, two kinds of meat, toast, and your choice of hash browns or grits. You will also receive a tumbler of orange juice. Aw, girl. I cannot believe how long it has been since I have gazed upon you, the most lovely rose in all of creation. In my mind, I am envisioning you right now. I am envisioning you laughing warmly at my every witticism, returning my loving gazes, and whispering in my ear. The various items you are whispering involve the freak-nasty things we will do together following our meal. I am also envisioning you hitting the uppermost dimension of ecstasy as I propel you through the universe of my love aboard the spaceship of my strong back, with myself as the captain of this cosmic journey through the sexual stratosphere to our passion meteor."
B. "So, where we going then? You know, with the female readers, I might get me a superstar off this one. I might get me Beyonce or something. OK, now listen to this, so put this in there, OK, so from driving the car, let's be real. I started off wining and dining and Rico Suave-ing it, then I'm going to have to hold to it and realistically, she's not going to get that every day. OK, so we'll be chilling in my SL on a nice hot day, we're going to let the day play out. But we have on all white, so we have to do something special."
C. "In the morning, I will make you waffles that have chocolate chips embedded in them. There will coffee waiting for you, and there will also be a cup with cream and two sugars, just the way you like it, cooling on the breakfast bar. If you want toast, I will make it for you and offer you a staggering array of exotic French jams."
D. "We'll pull up at the docks and got a guy waiting for us, open our door up and we walk down a lit-up dock and onto the yacht, where we have dinner set up on the boat and we just cruise out on the water. Sit down and have some dinner, some shrimps and steaks, keep it nice and breezy. Pop some bottles, some Moet Rose. The red Moet, we ain't popping no Kristal, it tastes like urination. We ain't popping no Kris, that's $500 a bottle. It ain't that serious. It ain't going to get you drunk. Make sure you put that in there. We ain't doing a $500 bottle, we're doing a $99 wine and dine. While we're eating, have a singer. Who should I have?"
Topics: Sonics
Comments
Delonte: a & d, Smoove b & c.
Posted July 5, 2007 at 7:39 pm by KeeganA = Smoove B
Posted July 6, 2007 at 8:59 am by Kelly TripuckaB = Smoove D
C = Smoove B
D = Smoove D
Smoove B= A,B
Smoove D= C,D
This is funny stuff. Too bad I can't aford to follow their advice with my girlfriend.
Posted July 6, 2007 at 11:29 am by T.J.Nice! Only one out of three correct so far. This one seems to be confusing people more than the original
Posted July 6, 2007 at 11:34 am by SeelyLooks like we?re flogging this rented one trick pony for every thing it?s worth.
I?m game.
1) I?ll wager the dough I was going to spend to buy a Seattle Weekly home subscription on this one. Delonte.
2) I?m putting a hundred clam shells on Smoove B on this one. When a writer mentions the ?female readers? in the second sentence it?s got to be a dead give away.
3) I think there?s a breakfast theme with Delonte. Hopefully he?s as hungry for title as he is for room service.
4) I?ll parlay my previous winnings here. Smoove B. First off, Seely is still probably weighing these questions so Smoove B and D are represented equally. And the comment about not popping Kris seems to mesh with the getting laid on the cheap attitude expressed by the Onion writer. Artistically this is the difference between the two. For you see Delonte composes his verse like an earnest young boy who is sadly ignorant of the finer aspects of dating. What makes it humorous is our young bard appears unaware of his shortcomings.
Posted July 6, 2007 at 12:50 pm by Don WardA & C: Smoove B.
B & D: Smoove D.
"Envisioning" and "embedded" don't quite seem like words Delonte would throw around.
Posted July 6, 2007 at 1:30 pm by Mike ADon, you're 0 for 4. Not sure how much you owe me, but figure it's at least a pint.
Posted July 6, 2007 at 2:11 pm by SeelyDang Seely. I thought I was shooting marbles for funsies. Here you were playing for keepsies.
Posted July 6, 2007 at 2:29 pm by Don WardI always pay my bets so name your place and poison.
Besides I don't want Aimee to collect the debt, crack my kneecaps and then compose a well-written, multi-sourced feature on men who welch on bets and cry like girls when socked.
it's easy if you realize no NBA dude would brag about what they are going to cook for a girl, that is low rent. Players have too much swagger to be doing household chores (womens work) for their dates. They pay people to do that stuff.
Posted July 6, 2007 at 5:28 pm by ChrisHA:Smoove
B:West
C:West
D:Smoove
either way, it's just wrong.
Posted July 6, 2007 at 6:58 pm by Mr BakerA, B and C — Smoove B
Posted July 6, 2007 at 10:33 pm by fidgety!D — Delonte West.
As as Celtics fan and hearing Delonte talk allot. I know for a fact B i Delonte West. He constantly talks about Beyonce.
Posted July 7, 2007 at 12:06 am by Bret WhiteGo D West! We'll miss you in Boston! Please sign with us next summer. Thanks buddy. See you July 1,2008.
Posted July 7, 2007 at 5:24 am by Danny AingeDA
DWest is B and D
Posted July 7, 2007 at 7:22 am by AGravesA Celtics fan here that KNOWS that the answer is Delonte B & D.
These articles were linked to CelticsBlog.com they're hilarious.
We will really miss Delonte here. Not only is he a funny dude and a great basketball player. But was constantly out and about here in Boston getting involved with kids in all kinds of community endeavors. Seattle has really gotten a good guy. We will miss D-West.
Posted July 7, 2007 at 8:38 am by celtics fanC'mon man, this is too easy...Smoove B (A) and (C), Delonte the other ones (or NOT Smoove). Anyone who knows Smoove knows he's gotta hit it from behind and overdo the passive voice thing.
Great column though, I'll be chuckling over this one for days.
VV
Posted July 8, 2007 at 7:06 am by Vinnie VDelonte- B and D...Smoove- A and C....EASY.
Posted July 8, 2007 at 1:31 pm by BAfter an early surge of ineptitude, this gang really hit its stride toward the end. The answers are:
Smoove B: A & C
Posted July 9, 2007 at 7:59 am by SeelySmoove D: B & D
it is easy to me
A---smooveB
Posted July 9, 2007 at 12:39 pm by TrevB---smooveD
C---smooveB
D---smooveD
Exerpt M:
First, you stop by Popeye?s on the way over to my place, just let me know how much mine costs when you get there cuz you know I always pay for mine. And you can park in the Fred Meyer lot too on account?a the only parallel parking goin? down that night?ll be goin? down later on in 206 (and if the security guard is outside, just pretend to walk into the store like you?re going to be awhile, pick up some tall cans (from the back of the rack) then come back out the other door). Then hit me up on my i, and I?ll buzz you right in. We?ll be eatin? our mild all white meat extra crispy chicken and Cajun mashed potatoes, and havin? a few cool ones (many as it takes) on the bicast, and lettin? the gentle southern stylings of Charlie Rose set the tone to take us home, unless there is a Blazer game on in which case we?ll watch that until it?s over. Then I?ll be dunkin? on you all night long just like Greg Oden all over Delonte West.
Posted July 10, 2007 at 12:22 pm by jason males