You Can Buy Legal Pot Now! Here Are Five Things to Be Very Concerned About

We’ve finally made it. You can now, officially, buy legal weed in Washington for no other reason than to get totally baked in the privacy of your own home. And—at press time, at least—society as we know it has yet to crumble. Aside from a flood of predictable media coverage, actually, things seem very much the same. It’s strange. Still, that’s not to say there’s nothing to worry about. Far from it, dear reader. If there’s one thing to keep in mind at the dawn of this new era, it’s that there are more things than ever to worry about. Here are five of the most pressing.

It’s Gonna Cost Too Much
Wait a minute! The weed might cost, like, $27 a gram at first? There’s no way we’re going to stop buying bags from our main man Tony at that price. Twenty-seven dollars a gram is not the revolution we voted for. The experiment is doomed. Good news for Tony, we suppose.

There’s Not Gonna Be Enough of It
The pot’s going to run out fast. I-502 Project Manager Randy Simmons has already predicted initial shortages. In Seattle, only one legal weed store opened Tuesday, and only about 20 have opened their doors statewide. Many growers don’t expect to be making shipments until late summer. In other words, to buy legal weed in Washington, you need to line up early and pay twice as much as you would on the black market. Awesome.

Bad Trips
Remember what happened to Maureen Dowd when she went to Denver and tried legal weed? Remember the “hallucinatory state” she spent the “next eight hours” in? Sounded harrowing, didn’t it? Curious old people throughout Washington are probably curled up, experiencing the same “hallucinatory state” as you read this, “panting and paranoid,” just like Dowd was. Can you picture Maureen Dowd panting on weed? Is this really what we wanted?

No Brownies
OK, so actually Dowd ate a pot candy bar in Denver, and in Washington that won’t be a problem—because apparently the state Liquor Control Board has a New York Times subscription and wants to prevent people from getting scary high on pot-infused treats. Probably a good call. Still, it’s unnerving to learn we won’t be able to live our fantasy of eating a legal pot brownie in Washington until the state approves them for consumption—which it has yet to do. Total buzzkill, you guys.

Hash-Oil Explosions
Hash-oil operations are the new meth labs, only with more reggae. Or at least that’s what we’ve been led to believe from reading the news. They’re exploding every day, as more and more greasy guys in Pink Floyd T-shirts try to get in on the dabbing market. It’s only a matter of time before hash oil is being made in every third cul-de-sac, leaving an entire generation of entrepreneurial stoners with second-degree burns. Thanks a lot, Rick Steves.

mdriscoll@seattleweekly.com

Art Credits: "Money" by Christopher Smith, "Marijuana" by Edward Boatman, "Mind Blowing" by Luis Prado, "No Food" by Kelcey Benne all from The Noun Project

 
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