21 Policy Changes I Plan to Implement in Seattle Now That I'm Seafair's Grand Marshal

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Duff McKagan is the founding bassist of Guns N' Roses and the leader of Seattle's Loaded. His column runs every Thursday on Reverb.
As some of you may already be aware, your friend in this column (uh, me) has been named as the Seattle Seafair Grand Marshal for this year's festival season.

To those of you outside the area, Seafair is probably the biggest combined set of coordinated activities and events that happen here in Seattle. Being the Grand Poobah, er . . . Marshal, amounts to being more powerful than the Mayor of Seattle and the Governor of Washington combined!

I'm a pretty big deal right now, and will try to rise to the high throne of my new fiefdom in style, and with some grace and fairness to my new "subjects." I hope not to abuse my power, but there will be a few new orders of business. As such:

1. You all must address me as "sire" or "his Poobah-ness."

2. I require a carriage with some horses.

3. I need some henchmen.

4. I require that we get our Sonics back, and shall immediately knight Chris Hansen.

5. Loaded's song "Lords of Abbadon" will be the new state and city anthem.

6. Seattle Weekly shall now be dubbed the McKagan Weekly. The writers here must write only glowing praise of His Poobah-ness, or face drawing and quartering.

7. John Roderick must report to me daily on the current state of "the hipster" in Seattle.

8. Local politicians must vote on issues according to their moral code, as opposed to what might get them elected in the next term. Failure of this will produce the lash AND drawing and quartering.

9. We shall build an overpass for the Port of Seattle from the I-5, funded by a trolley service that I shall put in from a new parking garage near the Edgewater to the stadiums. We have the trolleys and track sitting around gathering dust. I'll drive.

10. We shall extend liquor hours in the city, so that every damn club doesn't get out at the same time. I don't even drink, but I know clubs all getting out at 2 a.m. causes mischief and sometimes violence in Belltown and up on Capitol Hill.

11. The rock band the Chasers shall be the new state band, and rock fans must be required to see them. You should anyhow, without the threat of the Poobah's lash.

12. I require the month of June to be a sunny month.

13. Court judges and police officers must all wear Sonics jerseys, or Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, Heart, or Hendrix T-shirts.

14. Any criminal caught with a gun shall be sent immediately to the gallows.

15. I require a wizard hat, a sorting hat, and flowing robes of the finest silks and satins.

16. My daughters shall now be required to listen to me.

17. I require Alaska Airlines to use a picture of JP Patches on the tails of their planes.

18. I require that JP's show should come back into reruns every morning on channels 4, 5, 7, and 13.

19 I require that the Mariners start to win . . . or a serious trip to the "front" will be in their future.

20. I require drivers to let other drivers in on the freeway when their blinker is on . . . on penalty of the guillotine.

21. I require Ben Gibbard to be the Public Minister of Baseball.

Oh, wait. This just in: Me being the Grand Marshal was simply a tactic so that my 11-year-old daughter, Mae, and I could ride in a parade together. Right. Forget about all that other stuff. That'll come when I run for mayor.

 
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