Nick Offerman: Who Should Come to My Show

Ron Swanson finds some prime Seattleites.

Editor’s Note: Seattle Weekly offered free tickets to Parks and Recreation star Nick Offerman’s show at the Moore on Thursday to the reader who could provide the best reason they deserved them. Mr. Offerman himself agreed to judge the responses.

Seattle Weekly,

I have whittled the choices down to these five below, because they all cite poverty to be the reason they should be awarded free tickets. That is a more simple and honest answer, rife with integrity. Many of the responses, while humorous and edifying, are dripping with flattery of one sort or another, which would make for an unseemly choice in my estimation:

3. I am in law school. I hate being in law school because people who want to be lawyers and people who have taken the terrible plunge and become actual lawyers are terrible. I will not be a lawyer. It also makes me poor. I am throwing my money into a douchebag hole. I love Nick Offerman, and because of my smothering debt I cannot afford tickets. If this does not pan out I will probably sell my plasma so that I can see him. Please don’t make me sell my plasma.

#3 disqualifies him/herself by the foolishness exhibited in having signed up for law school to begin with.

7. I think you should give me the tickets because March 21st is a fated day. My mom will be in town visiting me from Alaska, and Parks and Rec is our favorite show to watch together! We are both huge fans of the show! My mom has been having a hard time the last few years because she’s unemployed and can’t find work, and a good majority of my Dad’s earnings are going to my college tuition. I am double majoring in music therapy and vocal performance at Seattle Pacific University, and I’ve stayed on the Dean’s List the entire time. I think my Mom and I should get the tickets because we couldn’t afford them otherwise, and while she’s here a surprise night out to see one of our favorite TV stars would be a memorable bonding experience. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

#7 brings a lot to the table to recommend him/her. An unemployed mother in town from distant Alaska, a hardworking student balls-deep in the arts . . . tough to beat.

9. I am a poor public servant working at Seattle City Government. Free is in my price range. Ron Swanson is my hero.

#9 cites pennilessness, but also admits to working for the government without disparaging said government in any way. Fail.

14. I should get the free tickets because I am unemployed and cannot afford to see the show otherwise. And I think Nick Offerman must be a wonderful person since Megan Mullally opted to marry him!

#14 brandishes little quality beyond an entrée of paucity, augmented by a side dish of compliments.

23. . . . because there’s no way I could afford to take my wife to this, but she loves this guy!

#23 whips out a little romance, which I like. I like it a lot. Treating your wife to an evening of American Ham is Chivalry 101, pure and simple. Well played, 23.

I’m feeling the tickets hanging in the balance between #7 and #23. Prime numbers, both, a solid recommendation for any contest. This is difficult, choosing between a gift of pleasure for a mother and a commensurate prize for a wife. Son of a bitch.

Deciding between the happiness of these two ladies has proven impossible. Seattle Weekly, please award the two tickets to #7, the mom from Alaska, and I will add two of my own personal tickets to be bestowed upon the fruitful coupling of #23 and his bride.

Thanks to all of you who participated! I am sincerely touched that anyone would be interested in seeing me flap my gums for 90 minutes. I will do my best to keep you from disappointment. Enjoy the show.

Yours,

Nick Offerman

 
comments powered by Disqus