Some of the best things about drinking beer with a friend are goofy—or sometimes very important—bar arguments. They can be rooted in the very real—like, should the Mariners have traded away Taijuan Walker? Or the bargument might be silly—like, would you rather be a gorilla made of Cheetos or a butterfly made of chocolate? (I mean, butterflies can fly. That’s huge and super-fun. But a gorilla is much bigger and stronger, in command of its jungle king- or queendom, right?) Here are some good bargument starters (with supporting commentary), on the chance you’ve run out of ideas to bandy about this evening.
Bargument 1: If Michael Jordan had never been born, the SuperSonics would still be in Seattle.
Point: Without Jordan, the Chicago Bulls wouldn’t have won the 1996 NBA championship against the Sonics, some 10 years prior to the team’s sale and move to Oklahoma City. With such a recent championship, the team couldn’t have been relocated by then-commissioner David Stern.
Counterpoint: Doesn’t matter. The sale was fated; Clay Bennett was getting the team no matter what. He had something on Stern!
Bargument 2: Milk is actually gross.
Point: Besides cats, no other species drinks another animal’s milk. Also, doesn’t milk always kinda taste warm to you?
Counterpoint: What are you talking about? Milk is awesome! Have you ever heard of cereal and milk? Or milk in your coffee? Or milk and cookies, Santa?
Bargument 3: Going out is overrated.
Point: One, it’s expensive. Two, I don’t like to be away from my partner for so long. Three, I always end up smoking cigarettes.
Counterpoint: First, that hurts, because we’re out right now and you basically just called it overrated. Second, how else are you going to keep up with what the kids are listening to?
Bargument 4: I’d rather be the Fremont Troll than the Space Needle.
Point: It just seems like much less to worry about. Yeah, you have a few dozen people crawling on you. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. But that’s it. And you’re original.
Counterpoint: ORIGINAL?! What’s more original than a rotating spaceship in the sky? It’s also the most famous thing in Seattle.
Bargument 5: The gorilla made of Cheetos versus the butterfly made of chocolate.
Point: Sorry, I had to revisit this. There’s just something about the crunchiness and the orange cheese dustiness that’s so enticing. …I’m hungry.
Counterpoint: Nothing is more elegant than little fluttering chocolate wings. I win!