lions head mug.jpg
Earlier this month Seattle Weekly published a slideshow featuring 2012's "15 best/worst/most heinous accessories used to commit crimes this year." It was quite an exercise,

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The Year in Dumb Criminals: 2012's Top Five Criminal Accessories

lions head mug.jpg
Earlier this month Seattle Weekly published a slideshow featuring 2012's "15 best/worst/most heinous accessories used to commit crimes this year." It was quite an exercise, and you'd be foolish not to click through it in its entirety.

*See Also: Incestuous Boyfriend and Girlfriend Arrested for Meth Hotboxing SUV with Baby Inside

But since nearly all of the criminal stupidity and absurdity featured in the slideshow was originally chronicled here on The Daily Weekly, we figured we'd take the time to recount our top five - if for no other reason than to recall the good times we've had covering dumb criminals this year.

Here's a trip down memory lane ...

5. A Lion's Head

lions head.jpg

From July 2:

According to The Trib's regular "Police Beat" feature, a 48-year-old man was arrested early on the morning of June 21 after police received a call about a reported burglary in the 1100 block of Martin Luther King Jr. Way. A 911 caller described the suspected burglar as wearing a hat with ear flaps, blue jeans, white tennis shoes, and a dark coat.

Not long after receiving these reports a responding police officer spotted a man matching this description - and also carrying a "furry blanket" later determined to have a stuffed lions head attached to it - walking on Tacoma's South 11th Street. Upon closer inspection the police officer noticed a screwdriver, a prying tool and a flashlight sticking out of the man's pocket.

This, of course, inspired the officer to ask some questions.

As The Trib reports:

The officer asked why the man was carrying a lion head. The man said he had traded some crack cocaine for it with a friend named Tennessee.

Did the man know where the lion came from?

"Naw, I ain't asking questions," the man said.

The criminal stupidity continues on the following page ...

4. A Severed Elk Head

Elk Head Large.jpg

From Nov. 30:

According to KOMO Communities Reporter Kiersten Throndsen, police were called to the Jack in the Box in the 4700 block of University Way Northeast around 1:30 p.m. last Saturday after a 911 caller reported seeing a man in a pickup placing stuff from the bed of his truck into the restaurant's dumpster. That's when things got icky.

According to KOMO:

We received a 911 call after someone witnessed a man driving a truck pull up to the garbage can in the parking south of Jack in the Box and empty the contents of the bed of his truck," said Seattle Police Detective Mark Jamieson.

Those contents included what appeared to be the head of an elk, which the truck's driver dumped into the restaurant's dumpster in the 4700 block of University Way Northeast around 1:30 p.m. Saturday, according to the caller.

When officers arrived, not only did they find the elk head on the ground, but they also discovered a plastic bag containing the animal's guts.

Mmmm. Elk guts.

The criminal stupidity continues on the following page ...

3. A Ukulele

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From Nov. 29:

According to Seattle police, the incident occurred at approximately 9:15 p.m. Tuesday night, when a man and a woman -- both described as around 22-years-old -- entered a gas station near Delridge Way SW and SW Myrtle Street intent on making of with a six-pack of Olde English. However, the store clerk apparently saw what the pair was up to, and ordered them to return the beer while calling police.

That apparently didn't go over well, and it's where the ukulele comes into play.

According to the SPD "Blotter" blog:

The male suspect argued with the employee and then hit him over the head with a ukulele, shattering the instrument and cutting the victim's scalp.

When officers arrived on scene, they found the employee bleeding profusely from the back of his head. The suspects had fled.

Officers were only able to get a vague description of the suspects from the victim--who was taken to Highline Hospital for treatment--but the case has been forwarded to the Robbery Unit for more investigation.

While the description gathered by police was only "vague," neither of the assailants is believed to be Eddie Vedder.

The criminal stupidity continues on the following page ...

2. A Pooper Scooper

Pooper scooper.jpg

From May 16:

According to the police report, at 1:58 a.m. last Thursday morning Seattle police were called to Bellevue Avenue to contact a female victim who reported being assaulted about 30 minutes prior.

An account of the incident by KOMO Communities Reporter Jill Blocker published on SeattlePI.com fills in the back story, revealing the fact the assault took place at Plymouth Pilliars Park, the name of which is redacted from the public record police report.

The victim reported having been out walking her dog when a female suspect approached and accused the dog-walking victim of making too much noise while a friend was trying to sleep.

For the record, and according to the police report, the victim didn't think she was making "any" noise.

And, as the police report points out: "It should be noted that the park is adjacent to I-5."

Indeed.

But our suspect was having none of it. She reportedly picked up what's described as a "metal 'pooper scooper'" in police reports (pooper-scooper reference #1) and began swinging it at the victim.

Since Plymouth Pillars Park is apparently stocked full of them, the victim also armed herself with a pooper scooper (pooper-scooper reference #2) and fought back. The police report goes on to describe the victim fending off the suspect's 'pooper-scooper' attack" (pooper-scooper reference #3).

By all accounts, it was a pooper-scooper duel.

But here's where it gets really wild: This pooper-scooper duel lasted 20-30 minutes according to the police report.

That's a long time to duel, pooper scooper or not.

The criminal stupidity continues on the following page ...

1. A Fake Cat

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From July 5:

Yevgeniy M. Samsonov told officials with PEMCO Insurance his cat was like a son to him. The only trouble was the cat, which Samsonov said died in a 2009 traffic accident and was at the root of a late-2011 insurance claim seeking $20,000 from the insurance company, didn't exist.

Samsonov was charged June 27 in Pierce County court with multiple counts of attempted theft and insurance fraud stemming from the allegedly bogus claim. According to charging documents filed in the case (posted below), when interviewed by officials from the state Office of the Insurance Commissioner Special Investigations Unit, Samsonov admitted to submitting fake photographs of the cat-that-never-was as part of his attempt to get an additional $20,000 out of PEMCO.

In March, 2009 Samsonov was involved in what charging documents call "a minor traffic collision" in Tacoma. PEMCO ended up paying Samsonov $3452.28 as part of a related claim. Charging documents note that at the time of the $3452.28 payment Samsonov signed a "General Release of all Claims and Hold Harmless Agreement," which barred him from making further insurance claims related to the accident.

However, that didn't stop Samsonov from attempting to file a new claim with PEMCO in October, 2011, claiming his cat - white with blue eyes, and described in a letter as "like a son" to Samsonov - was killed in the March, 2009 "minor traffic collision." Samsonov's letter to PEMCO, which included a photograph of the cat in question, sought $20,000 from the insurance company. PEMCO asked for a second photograph of the cat which Samsonov also provided - subsequently claiming he'd taken both photographs with his camera and had the pictures printed at a local Walgreens.

Not surprisingly, PEMCO wasn't about to cut a check for $20,000 without doing a little research. And according to charging documents it didn't take long for investigators to determine something was amiss. When conducting a run-of-the-mill Google image search investigators determined that the cat pictures in question actually originated from the Internet, and not Samsonov's camera. Searching for white cats with blue eyes, the two images Samsonov had submitted to PEMCO both came up - with investigators able to determine that the cats pictured were actually two different cats, and more importantly that Samsonov owned neither animal.

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