People of this state think secede is the same word as succeed. Don't tell them otherwise.
As we and our sister papers have documented, folks from all 50 states have petititioned the White House to allow them to secede from the union, now that President Barack "Paper Scissors" Obama has been re-elected.
Click that link above for our own Matt Driscoll's five handy tips for what we Washingtonians should do once we're our own sovereign republic (eat apples, smoke weed, repeat).
But as the days have gone on, it's occurred to many Americans that Texas secession wouldn't actually be a bad thing. While the nation's land mass would drop considerable, our ass mass would also drop a few pounds, per capita.
To boot, it would keep George W. Bush's daughters from running for president. I don't know about you, but thoughts of President Jenna carrying on the dynasty haunts me day and night.
And you know those mouth breathers who want to re-write history books to show that Sam Houston shit gold or whatever? There'd be fence between us and them. A big one. With white-supremacist renegades ready to hunt them down if they jumped it.
Whereas there can be no domestic tranquility as long as the State of Texas remains a political subdivision of the United States; and
Whereas Article IV, Section 3 of the Constitution gives Congress the ability to regulate the territory of the United States.
Wherefore, the citizens of the other 49 states hereby petition the President to introduce legislation in the 113th Congress to remove the State of Texas from the United States of America, to dispatch it from this sacred Union and to make it a country unto itself so as to prevent the State of Texas, its leaders and its citizens from causing further disruption to the domestic tranquility of these United States.