Washington flag.jpg
It's only a matter of time now. Secession is happening, and we're not just talking about wingnut- and asshole-havens like Texas. Nope, Washington too. It's

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Top 5 Tips for Washington's Secession from the U.S.A.

Washington flag.jpg
It's only a matter of time now. Secession is happening, and we're not just talking about wingnut- and asshole-havens like Texas. Nope, Washington too. It's time to get out while the getting's good. Unions are over.

*See Also: Eastern Washington Loves Pot, Not Marriage Equality

As you've probably heard by now, Washington - like every other state in the soon-to-dissolve nation - is represented by a petition (actually, two) requesting the state's right to seceded on the website We the People, which was created by the godforsaken Obama administration as a way to get citizens more involved. We'll call it socialism.

Let's be honest: having a black president was scary enough the first time around. Having a two-term black president is, well, pretty much the scariest shit ever. Like, scarier than that time they made Crystal Pepsi. In other words, it's bad. Real bad. Time to retreat. Time to horde guns and porn.

The only rational decision is secession. Time has come for Washington to bag out of the United States of America and set off on its own course.

Here are five tips for Washington secession success ...

Smoke a Ton of Weed

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Creative Commons

The biggest question mark surrounding Washington's landmark vote on Initiative 502 to legalize recreational marijuana use for adults is how the good-for-nothing feds will react. Well, guess what? Once Washington secedes, that problem won't exist anymore. We'll all be free to toke without fear of Obama and his henchmen coming after us. Life will be good again. Of course, too much toking could lead to laziness on that whole secession thing, not to mention an uptick in reggae music - which is the last thing we need right now. Best keep the bong in the closet until after we've freed ourselves from tyranny. After that, all bets are off.

The secession tips continue on the following page ...

Drink a Ton of Beer

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afagen/Flickr/Creative Commons License

One of the great things about Washington is the ample supply of amazing beer the state produces. Sure, after secession there's a chance we won't have the supply of Budweiser or Coors some are accustomed to, but with a microbrew to person ratio of two-to-one in this state, we should be able to manage.

The secession tips continue on the following page ...

Eat the Hell out of Some Apples

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Washington's top crop is the apple. The state was expected to exceed its previous record of 109.4 million boxes of fresh apples produced during this year's harvest season - with only a small number of those apples remaining in state. Quite simply, that's a ton of apples - and if secession means we can't ship as many of them out, well, we'll just have to eat 'em. Or make apple pies and shit. Maybe cobbler.

The secession tips continue on the following page ...

Get Ready for the Secession Attempt after Secession

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The thing about it is, after Washington secedes from the United States, Eastern Washington will just want to secede from our newly free state-country. It's so predictable. Hell, those Toby Keiths already want nothing to do with us. The problem is, allowing Eastern Washington to truly govern itself would be like releasing a store-bought bunny at Yellowstone. It'd never survive without some tech vest from King County hand feeding it alfalfa pellets and progressive values. But still - Eastern Washington will undoubtedly want its sovereignty; we'll need to be prepared to quash the uprising.

The secession tips continue on the following page ...

Build a Wall

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Think there are too many Californians now? Wait until we secede. Everyone will want in. Washington will be a state with a velvet rope and three bouncers with earpieces. Throughout the course of history giant, man-made walls have proven successful in such situations. And, for pesky Californians or ironic Portlanders who do manage to sneak in to seceded Washington, maybe federally funded private-prisons could be used to house all the illegals? Oh, wait, crap ...

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