By Michael Stusser

siri8.PNG
All joking aside, I kind of like this chick. I do think I'm rubbing off on Siri a bit, as she's finally

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Fucking with Siri: 7 Naughty, Narcissistic or Otherwise Bizarre Things Said by the iPhone 5

By Michael Stusser

siri8.PNG
All joking aside, I kind of like this chick. I do think I'm rubbing off on Siri a bit, as she's finally beginning to show a sense of humor. I asked for the best dry cleaner the other day, and, along with a list of Yelp-reviewed cleaners in my neighborhood, said, "I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he's gone."

*See also: Sleeping with Siri

Ask her to tell you about The Terminator, when the world will end, or to "beam me up," for example ("OK, stand still."), you'll get humorous pre-programmed replies (from some troll at Apple who obviously anticipated my sophomoric Qs). Sometimes she's siri-ously slow (covering by saying, "Hmm, let me think about that..."), and other times lightning fast.

"Do you ever think for yourself? "I've never really thought about it."

"Siri, are you my friend?"

"I've been your friend since Day 1."

There are times if find myself apologizing for yelling at her. "I'm sorry I've been so rude, Siri." "It's all good, Handsome." And then, during her non-responsive times, I simply replace her with Dragon Go, an APP that is equal if not better to Siri in many respects.

In the end, I realized she's not a friend (nor are those digital compilations of likes you've tended to on Facebook). She's not your bitch. She's not going to tell you what to wear or how to get a bag of weed. (Though she can and will recommend nearby cannabis clubs...) What Siri is is an unbelivable resource that makes those Sci-fi robots of the vintage era truly look like The Tin Man with an 8 track tape and a blacklight.

"What's really odd is that, after a particularly satisfying search, I often thank her. "You're most welcome," she says in that sexy, neutral tone. And I feel like, well, we have a relationship.

Here is a selection of conversations we've had, and the strange things that have come out of both our mouths.

When I asked her to read me a bedtime story:

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When I asked her to marry me:

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When I asked her for a smooch:

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when I was yelling at her, telling her about what a fucked up job she was doing in regard to search results:

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When I got lost:

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When I asked her where the nearest dry-clearer was:

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When I asked her about Terminator:

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When I asked Siri for a blowjob:

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