Glenn Beck is not pleased.
With only 50.4 percent of the popular voter on his side, Barack Obama's reelection left plenty of unhappy people in its wake. As usual, those people took to social media to voice their disbelief and frustration. A choice few, however, peppered the Twitter-verse with hysterical doom-and-gloom predictions for the President's second term, that proved to be, well, hysterical. Read on for some ridiculous insight on Obama's plans to take away guns, God and Donald Trump's sanity.
Glenn Beck is not pleased.
1. Hide yo kids, hide yo guns--Obama 2.0 is coming!
Back in 2008, gun activist John Lott quoted the then-campaigning Obama with this damning doozy: "I don't believe that people should be able to own guns." Aghast, armed Americans everywhere hoarded and boarded their weapons in anticipation for a literal liberal take-over of their precious armories.
Now, with another four years for all sorts of shenanigans, the gun-loving hysteria is back full force. Given the opportunity to appoint new Supreme Court justices, the President re-elect is sure to go for the Second Amendment jugular. Twitter confirms:
Get the Guns while you can— Sean Hannity (@ShawnHannity) November 7, 2012
Loadin up on guns, gas, and some grizzly to prepare for the next four years.— Dippers United™ (@Dipper_Probs) November 7, 2012
As always, the best thing about any outpouring of conservative concern is Glenn Beck's take on it. The man who's too crazy for Fox News advised his disheartened flock on Wednesday with a teary video.
"We don't have the luxury of time," Beck said. "If the President wins, I don't know how we will survive." He then proceeded to outline a survival plan for those hoping to escape the socialist indoctrination: hoard guns, purchase farmland, then find like-minded people and move far, far away to live with them. Thanks Glenn!
Ironically, all that fear-mongering is the best thing to have happened to arms dealers since...oh hey, 2008. Smith & Wesson Holding and Sturm Ruger stocks have soared thanks to all those red counties stocking up in war-on-guns anticipation.
2. God has left America! Alternatively, Christ is coming to America!
The Obama-is-a-Muslim segment of the electorate didn't hesitate to pull the end-of-the-world trigger early on Tuesday night. With the merest blush of Ohio blue, the result was in: evil has prevailed and God has been voted out of America. At least according to one very distressed former "SNL" star Victoria Jackson:
I can't stop crying.— Victoria Jackson (@vicjackshow) November 7, 2012
America died.— Victoria Jackson (@vicjackshow) November 7, 2012
I can't stop crying.America died.— Victoria Jackson (@vicjackshow) November 7, 2012
The Democrat Party voted God out and replaced Him with Romans 1.In the Good vs. Evil battle...today...Evil won.— Victoria Jackson (@vicjackshow) November 7, 2012
Thanks a lot Christians, for not showing up.You disgust me.— Victoria Jackson (@vicjackshow) November 7, 2012
Other fundamentalists took a more optimistic approach to the whole "America is dead" thing, suggesting that the election results are all part of God's plan. Of course, that plan is his expedited Second Coming.
3. General Trump storms the White House with Apprentice army!
.After spending a year pouring his celebrity clout into birth certificates and Romney endorsements, Donald Trump had an especially unhappy time on Tuesday. As the results poured in, he took to Twitter to denounce the electoral college and mistakenly proclaim the popular vote for Mittens. Buoyed by that assumption, the Donald proposed a revolutionary march on Washington:
Though he has since deleted his battle plan Tweets from the web, Trump's government overthrow may be the most realistic doomsday prediction thus far. After all, the conservative militia is already armed to the teeth and rearing to go. As long as the Rapture doesn't whisk them away first.