Obama Wins By a Landslide, Says 7-Eleven Paper Cup

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If there's one thing the media loves more than the B-Word Gaffe Triad (Big Bird, Binders and Bayonets), it's obsessing over electoral polls. Today, every point shift earns a front page headline and power-drunk pollsters rule the news cycle. It's time to give the authority of political prophecy back to the people...and their coffee cups.

*See Also: Obama Losing Ground In Halloween Masks Sales. A Sign of Grim Things to Come?

Thankfully, 7-Eleven has the science of presidential caffeine preference covered. (Hint: voters like it black.)

While superstar statisticians, like the New York Times' Nate Silver, endlessly battle with error margins and sample pools to discern the true will of the nation (suckers!), the marketing geniuses behind the convenience store chain have created a much more efficient way of measuring the whims of voters: Obama and Romney-branded coffee cups. Customers simply choose the politically appropriate container for their morning drink and SHA-BAM, their party preferences are forever enshrined in the holy scrolls of 7-Eleven's stock invoices. At the end of the day, the stores' honorable stewards count the number of cups remaining in each candidate's stack and send their findings to election headquarters. No actual science necessary. They've dubbed the operation 7-Election2012 and the results are in:

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7-Eleven's electoral map. Gray states are not participating in the 7-Election2012 promotion.

By a whopping 59 percent of the popular cup vote, Barack Obama has emerged the indisputable winner. Mitt Romney was only able to capture three states--Idaho, Wisconsin and West Virginia--likely after losing the crucial, coffee-abstaining Mormon vote. Granted, 16 states chose not to participate in this superior polling method, but no one cares what they think anyway. If this simplified sweep of blue doesn't convince you that the president will win reelection, just look at the maps of competitors:

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CNN's electoral map. All states participating.

Isn't it confusing? There's like six colors, no clear winner and nobody gets a morning pick-me-up. Lame. Besides, if corporations can buy elections, one purchased Obama coffee cup totally outweighs five political opinions obtained for free. Especially when these stats are collected from people who pick up their land line during election season. Their judgement clearly can't be trusted.

If you're still unsure about the merits of the 7-Eleven method, the bar graph below will make you a convert.

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A breakdown of Washington State's candidate preferences by city, as determined by coffee cup sales in the 7-Election2012 promotion.

Other polling organizations just sample the same ten Ohio districts over and over again, leaving the rest of the country to wonder, "How will I arbitrarily stereotype the cities in my state based on their questionably discerned political leanings?" 7-Eleven doesn't play like that. Instead, the website's interactive results' map allows us deep insights into the minds of key cities across all (participating) parts of America.

Take Washington. Who could have guessed that the incumbent's support stronghold--70 percent--would be in the Emerald City? Probably no one. After all, what Seattleite goes to 7-Eleven for coffee?

More surprising than a Seattleite sipping Joe outside of a Starbucks, is Spokane finally revealing its true (67 percent in favor) feelings for Obama. The city that hasn't voted to put a Democratic president into office since 1996 hid it's support well, but 7-Election2012 results prove that the time for playing coy is over.

While eight of the ten profiled cities threw their weight behind Obama full-heartedly, Richland and Olympia didn't adhere to the program. The former was the only place in Washington to back Romney via 7-Eleven coffee cups, and by a 20 percent margin at that. Then again, Richland has always been the most crotchety of the Tri-Cities. The real curiosity, though, is Olympia's 50/50 split. The capitol has never been that balanced on anything. Some say that the 63 Republican members of Washington's House and Senate made a secret pact to eat and drink at 7-Eleven exclusively until the election. But that's just a rumor, and there would never be a place for such unsubstantiated claims here.

To celebrate the success of its coffee cup polling and the imminent caffeine-fueled victory of Barack Obama, 7-Election2012 has launched the Mobile Oval Bus Tour. After road-tripping down the Eastern seaboard for the past month, the bus will arrive in Seattle today. To grab a free tumbler of coffee and snap a photo inside the traveling Oval Office replica, head to the Seattle University campus, on Second and Pike Street, between 11 a.m. and 3 p.m.

 
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