It would be highly hypocritical for almost any member of the Seattle Weekly staff to come down too hard on someone for excessive drinking. But, if that drinking occurs via someone's asshole, I believe it gives us a fair opening. The alcohol enema can't be defended by anyone.
According to the hardworking scribes of the Associated Press, however, that's exactly what some frat boys from the University of Tennessee recently got themselves into - and the results were predictably unfortunate (and messy).
"Utilizing rubber tubing inserted into their rectums as a conduit for alcohol," according to the police report cited by the AP, 20-year-old Alexander "Xander" Broughton ended up in the ER just after midnight on Sept. 22 with a blood alcohol level of .448 percent, the culmination of a night of epic college-bro binge drinking that would make Chris Farley's liver churn (and his butt pucker).
According to the AP, hospital officials first suspected the worst - good ol' fashioned sodomy - when "Xander" showed up with a BAC nearly six times the legal limit and injuries to his asshole. But an interview with one of Broughton's Pi Kappa Alpha's broheim's revealed what really happened: a real-life alcohol enema.
Kids these days.
From the AP:
While Broughton told police he remembered participating in a drinking game with fellow members of the Pi Kappa Alpha chapter, he denied having an alcohol enema. Police concluded otherwise from evidence they found at the frat house, including boxes of Franzia Sunset Blush wine.
"He also had no recollection of losing control of his bowels and defecating on himself," according to a university police report that includes photos of the mess left behind in the fraternity house after the party.
Broughton did not respond to a cellphone message seeking comment on Friday.
No shit he didn't. That's because the AP was writing a story about him using rubber tubing to funnel Franzia up his ass.
Naturally, according to the AP, the University of Tennessee quickly launched an investigation into the matter, and has already closed the frat until at least 2015.An
And, also naturally, now that he's sobered up and his parents have been notified, Broughton is trying to cast the situation in a better light. With help from his dad, he's contesting the story as told by Knoxville police, and the family says it will launch its own investigation and may pursue legal action.
"The incident as reported is not true in its entirety," the student's father, Mark Broughton of Memphis, said Tuesday. "There is significantly erroneous information out there and it has come from the Knoxville Police Department."
Perhaps the best part of the Knoxville News story, though, is the fact it reveals that the kids have given alcohol enemas a cool name:
Knoxville police said the four people who took Broughton to the emergency room were not cooperative. One 22-year-old student, John Patrick Carney, eventually told police "Broughton's condition was caused by 'butt-chugging,'" according to police records.
Amazingly (and disturbingly), this isn't the first reported alcohol enema.
More from the AP:
The effects have been fatal in at least one case. An autopsy performed after the death of a 58-year-old Texas man in 2004 showed he had been given an enema with enough sherry to have a blood alcohol level of 0.47 percent. Negligent homicide charges were later dropped against his wife, who said she gave him the enema.
If you thought picturing frat boys giving each other alcohol enemas was hard to stomach, try picturing a 58-year-old Texan having his wife pump sherry up his pooper.
Now that's love.