Mariners Fans to Red Sox Fans: It's Good to Have You Back in the "We Suck" Club

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Dear Boston Red Sox Fans,

How does it feel to root for a team that sucks again? It shouldn't be all that unfamiliar, because for most of your team's previously cursed history, mystical forces conspired to ensure that the Red Sox would never win a World Series--until 2004, that is, when the whole country (outside of the Bronx) was rooting for you. But you quickly forgot where you came from, Red Sox fans, and winning again in '07 certainly did nothing to shrink your inflated Masshole egos.

After you won in '04, "Red Sox Nation" was birthed in earnest. Mariner fans would go to Safeco Field, only to find themselves outnumbered by Massholes with B's on their caps, Cowboy Upping in grating Good Will Hunting accents. You acted like the guy who gets laid for the first time--well after most of his friends--and promptly thinks he's fit to bang Hollywood starlets. Then when you won again in '07, you became the guy who actually did bang Hollywood starlets--and that guy's even more obnoxious than the guy who just thinks he can bang the starlets.

But now, here we are, together again, with no chance of making the playoffs. Granted, whereas our Mariners have been mostly awful during the franchise's lifespan, the Red Sox have typically been mediocre to decent. But in baseball, mediocre to decent doesn't win titles, even with an expanded wild card system.

There was a time, not long ago (last year), when the Mariners eking out a single win during a three-game homestand against the Red Sox was considered a triumph. Now, with the series tied at one-all, our (fingers crossed) up-and-coming young team will be thoroughly disappointed if we don't win the rubber match tonight. This is an existence we've become accustomed to in lieu of playoff hopes: Breaking the regular season down into mini-series between teams with little else to play for. We suggest you take careful notes, because, in jettisoning your general manager and field general, followed by a self-inflicted implosion of your team's overpaid nucleus, rest assured you'll be spending the next few years grasping at the straws that losing fans grasp at. Maybe now's the time to get a little better at the second verse of "Sweet Caroline," or start keeping score. Anything to pass the time during an otherwise depressing nine.

It's been lonely at the bottom without you, Red Sox fans; even the Texas Rangers are good now. Karma's a bitch, and now it's yours. Welcome back, and long live (again) the Curse of the Bambino.

Sincerely,

Seattle Mariners fans

Editor's note: Following the publication of this letter, the Mariners beat the Red Sox 2-1, taking the series and offering further proof that the Red Sox suck.

 
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