ThunderBomb16000_Mug.jpg
Tomorrow, as you know, is the Fourth of July - a day reserved for Patriotic celebration, Budweiser, and second-degree burns. While the ebb of "progress,"

"/>

PHOTOS: 12 Fireworks to Avoid on the Fourth of July

ThunderBomb16000_Mug.jpg
Tomorrow, as you know, is the Fourth of July - a day reserved for Patriotic celebration, Budweiser, and second-degree burns. While the ebb of "progress," has meant more and more municipalities have attempted to do away with fireworks inside their jurisdictions in the spirit of safety (including Seattle), this country was founded by the rebellious.

Despite the fact there's a decent chance fireworks are illegal where you live, fact is, whether your dog appreciates it or not, the law probably won't stop the neighbors down the street from blowing shit up in the name of independence. After all, there are few things more gratifying and American than spending your hard-earned money on something designed to be set ablaze. Especially when you've got a gut full of lager and hot dogs. I'm pretty sure it's even mentioned in the Constitution.

Still, here at Seattle Weekly we like you and your fingers. Your fingers, after all, helped you click your way to our website. Fewer fingers in the greater Seattle area could mean fewer clicks on The Daily Weekly, and, quite simply, that's not something we want to test.

This being the case, here are 12 specific fireworks you should watch out for on the Fourth of July ...

Vegas Baby Vegas

Vegas Baby Vegas Redone.jpg

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas ... unless, of course, it involves the loss of several digits. Described as "extravagant" and "colorful," this pyro's delight features multiple shots, including a three-shot finale. Coincidentally, three shots is probably just about enough to make sticking your face over this thing while lighting it seem like a good idea.

Our list of fireworks capable of blowing your hand off on the Fourth of July continues on the next page ...

Gold Fever

Gold Fever Redone.jpg

Firework or STD? Based on name alone, it's tough to say. But since it made this list, it's safe to assume the Gold Fever is, indeed, a firework. Sealing the deal, the Gold Fever promises "a panoramic golden sky" ... which only sounds slightly sexual in nature.

Dream World

Dream World Fountain.jpg

What sounds more celebratory than a "multi-tube fountain," spewing, "red, green, gold, silver shower of sparks with crackling and whistling?" And don't you dare say a burning roof or skin-graft surgery.

Red and Radical

Red and Radical Redone.jpg

Promotion for the Red and Radical promises, "the most radical shells you can buy," with 24 different canister shells packed with up to 60 grams of powder. It takes a real commie-pinko-hippie not to at least get a half-chub over that.

Our list of fireworks capable of blowing your hand off on the Fourth of July continues on the next page ...

Rambo Kid

Rambo Kid Redone.jpg

Sylvester Stallone has not officially endorsed this firework ... meaning, unfortunately, you can't sue the shit out of him when it accidentally blows your face off.

16,000 Thunder Bomb

This is literally a roll of 16,000 firecrackers. What more could you want? The neighborhood dogs are going to LOVE it.

A-Tank

A-Tank Redone.jpg

When I was a kid those little green tanks were always my favorite fireworks. Of course, much of the time they sputtered out, but there was still something magical about them. I'm glad to see they've been updated for the next generation.

Our list of fireworks capable of blowing your hand off on the Fourth of July continues on the next page ...

Siren Slammer

Siren Slammer Redone.jpg

The Siren Slammer promises nine shots and "glorious hard kicking golden brocades!" I'm not entirely sure what any of that means, but it sounds fucking fantastic, doesn't it?

Seattle Sensation

Seattle Sensation Redone.jpg

Named for our hometown (despite the fact fireworks are illegal here), the Seattle Sensation offers nine shots of color and sparkles in the sky. Just don't let the authorities catch you with it in Seattle, unless up to a year in jail and a $5,000 fine sounds like your idea of the perfect Independence Day.

Plane Flying at Night

Plane Fireworks Redone.jpg

No need to get fancy with the name here. As the words above imply, the Plane at Night is a firework made to spin up into the air and shower sparks. While it's not specifically listed on the packaging, the Plane at Night (large size) is also useful for accidentally setting your neighbor's shed on fire.

Our list of fireworks capable of blowing your hand off on the Fourth of July continues on the next page ...

Happy Lamp

Large Happy Lamp Redone.jpg

Considering what common sense seems to suggest, the number of fireworks that promise to shoot into the sky and emit "showers of sparks," is a little alarming. Still, the Happy Lamp sounds like a surefire method to get any cul-de-sac Fourth of July celebration started, offering the aforementioned showers of sparks before blossoming into a lamp. What the hell, you ask? I have no idea.

Black Cat Handful

BlackCatHandful.jpg

What could go wrong with five Roman candles wrapped in cellophane?

Follow The Daily Weekly on Facebook & Twitter.

 
comments powered by Disqus