Well holy shit! That's not the news I expected to hear coming back from lunch this afternoon. Ichiro Suzuki, the bloop-single face of the Seattle Mariners franchise (which hasn't tasted success since his first year on the squad way back in 2001) has been traded to the hated New York Yankees. What's this world coming to?
I mean, really? If Ichiro isn't safe, who is? All the 10-time All Star has done for this club is tirelessly put personal statistics ahead of team success for the past 12 seasons. All Ichiro has done is drown out his critics with knubbed off infield singles and avoided interview requests. All Ichiro has done is deteriorated into a one-named shell of his former self, all the while inhibiting the team's plans for the future like a prima donna Japanese Elvis in right field.
Plus, I hear he can hit home runs whenever he wants!
He just doesn't, you know. Because he's Ichiro.
Yes, this is a sad, sad day in Seattle. Seattle Weekly's Keegan Hamilton is literally sobbing as I write this, sad to see the Mariners' marquee player over the past decade-plus getting sized for his pinstripes. He's citing statistics like the fact the last time the Mariners played a game without Ichiro under contract, Oct. 17, 2000, the team lost to the ... wait for it ... Yankees.
Again, what is this world coming to?
Take solace, though, M's fans - at least the team got a couple minor league pitchers out of the deal. Plus, Ichiro gets a real shot at a title.