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Everything in life eventually meets its demise. Even the Exxon Valdez . Bobbing off the coast of India, awaiting cannibalistic dismantlement at the hands of

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PHOTOS: Top Five Alternative Uses for the Exxon Valdez

ExxonValdezMug.jpg
Everything in life eventually meets its demise. Even the Exxon Valdez. Bobbing off the coast of India, awaiting cannibalistic dismantlement at the hands of modern-day slave laborers, and now bearing the remarkably terrible name "Oriental Nicety," the single-hull ship infamous for dumping 11 million gallons of crude oil into Alaska's Prince William Sound is on its last leg. There's no denying it. But what if someone could step in and save the ship, finding a new and brilliant use for this piece of history?

Sure, there are probably vessels more deserving of a last-minute, Dick-Cheney style, life-saving procedure (the Kalakala comes to mind), but none of them are as famous as the Exxon Valdez (I refuse to call it the Oriental Nicety). From a purely capitalistic standpoint, there's got to be a way to make money off that shit somehow. It's the Exxon-Fucking-Valdez!

Here are a few ideas ...

Floating Mall

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Technically, there's nothing new about the idea of a floating mall. It's been done. But there's never been a floating mall like the Exxon Valdez. Just think of how many Orange Juliae you could fit on a ship equipped to carry 1.48 million barrels of oil! The answer is a lot. Environmentalists might not go for this one, for fear of a massive Abercrombie & Fitch cologne spill. That stuff can be toxic.

Seattle Weekly's list of five alternate uses for the Exxon Valdez continues on the following page ...

New Sonics Arena

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Look, all this bickering and posturing and fretting over possible traffic implications and whether Howard Lincoln and Chuck Armstrong will be able to draw as many fans to watch mediocre-at-best baseball if there's a new arena built in Sodo could be put to bed if we just built a new home for the Sonics in the old home for Hazelwood's vodka cabinet. This idea gets more brilliant the longer I think about it.

Seattle Weekly's list of five alternate uses for the Exxon Valdez continues on the following page ...

Floating Liquor Distribution Warehouse

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How many Captain-Joe-Hazelwood-is-drunk jokes is this post allowed to feature? Surely I'm reaching my limit. Either way, given the state's sloppy transition to privatized liquor sales last weekend, marred by empty shelves, disenchanted consumers, and a supply chain full of kinks, it sure would have been helpful to have a massive floating stockpile of Teacher's scotch and Potter's vodka at the ready. Or at least that's what Captain Hazelwood always used to say ...

Seattle Weekly's list of five alternate uses for the Exxon Valdez continues on the following page ...

Refuge for People Who Don't Want to Watch the Oklahoma City Thunder in the NBA Finals

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Reality can be tough to stomach. Sometimes it's a lot easier to just bury your head in the pillow and pretend like none of this is really happening. And with the Oklahoma City Thunder - or as the cool kids like to call the team, the Zombie Sonics - advancing to the NBA Finals last night, there's sure to be a lot of head-burying going on in Seattle. Now, if all those people who'd like to pretend like this isn't really happening could just climb aboard the Exxon Valdez and tune out for as long as it takes the NBA Finals to play out, would that be a bad thing? I think not. It actually sounds downright humane.

Seattle Weekly's list of five alternate uses for the Exxon Valdez continues on the following page ...

Gigantic Bar

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You know how the McMenamins like to turn old schools and churches into houses of intoxication? Imagine what those Portlanders could do with the Exxon Valdez. The results could be AMAZING! Best of all, like cowboy bars have a mechanical bull, the Exxon Valdez bar could have a drunken boating simulator. And they could hire Captain Joe Hazelwood to do karaoke on Tuesday nights! He's probably available. It'd be awesome.

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