ChoneFigginsMug.jpg
Chone Figgins looks worried.
Oh, Chone Figgins. The Mariners can't win with you, and the team doesn't seem inclined to lose without you. With Casper

"/>

Five Things the Mariners Should Consider Doing with Chone Figgins

ChoneFigginsMug.jpg
Chone Figgins looks worried.
Oh, Chone Figgins. The Mariners can't win with you, and the team doesn't seem inclined to lose without you. With Casper Wells sent down to Tacoma yesterday to make room for the mighty return of Miguel Olivo, the team squandered yet another chance to rid itself of the most glaring blemish on GM Jack Zduriencik's resume.

So Figgins is left to ride the pine (some more), while we're all left to wonder what will eventually become of a boy named Chone ... and when the team will finally cut ties with him.

Sure, the Mariners still owe Figgins a disgusting $16 million, and that's a ton of cash any way you cut it, but we all know how this saga is going to end. It's just a matter of when the Mariners finally step up to the plate and make the necessary call.

And, sadly, based on yesterday's developments, that call still seems to be a ways off. Perhaps we should all just come to terms with that disappointing fact.

Chone Figgins is still a Mariner.

In the spirit of coming to terms with Figgins' continued affiliation with the M's, here are five things other than sit him on the bench or ask him to play baseball the team might want to consider doing with Chone.

Honorary Member of the Dancing Ground Crew

DancingGroundCrew.jpg

Because JumboTron hydroplane races and bobblehead nights are way easier to pull out of one's ass than a competitive baseball team, the Mariners have made a habit out of relying on gimmicks to help sell tickets since moving into Safeco Field. One of these gimmicks is the team's lovable dancing groundskeepers, who entertain listless baseball fans between innings with their spunked-up choreography and all-around charm. There's absolutely no reason why Figgins couldn't join the Mariners groundskeepers for an inspired rendition of "Workin' for a Livin'" or some other awesome hit. You know, because right now Figgins is doing nothing for a livin'.

The list of five things the Mariners could do with Chone Figgins continues on the next page ...

Make Figgins Eat Detergent Packs

LaundryDetergentPacks.jpg

Officials say kids are mistaking those newfangled laundry detergent packets for candy, and apparently eating the hell out of them. This, of course, presents a problem, as no one wants to see the leaders of tomorrow eating the laundry detergent of today. Chone Figgins on the other hand ... well, I wouldn't mind watching him eat a shit-ton of laundry detergent.

Keeper of Dustin Ackley's Beard

AckleyBeard.jpg

Maintaining a proper beard isn't easy. It takes dedication, precision and attention to detail. While Figgins has shown none of the aforementioned qualities on the field since joining the Mariners, given a chance to bring his unique skill set to Dustin Ackley's personal grooming he might just excel. At the very least it would give him something to do.

The list of five things the Mariners could do with Chone Figgins continues on the next page ...

Make Figgins a Miner

Miners.jpg

News broke yesterday that Lucky Friday Mine in northern Idaho will start rehiring workers in July and plans to have a full workforce by the end of the year. As you'll recall, two employees were killed in the Lucky Friday Mine last year. As you'll also recall, when a person dies they never come back--potentially making the Lucky Friday Mine a great landing spot for Figgins. (Too much?)

Terrace Club Beer Fetcher

BeerGlasses.jpg

Safeco Field has an area reserved for wealthy folks and corporate sponsor types. It's known as the Terrace Club, and in this pampered environment you don't even have to get out of your seat to get a beer or hot dog. They have employees stationed and ready to do it all for you. Since Figgins is just sitting on his ass anyway, he might as well go grab you a cold one, don't you think?

Follow the Daily Weekly on Facebook & Twitter.

 
comments powered by Disqus

Friends to Follow