sanford1.jpg
Kevin P. Casey
Mike Sanford
So you've heard all about the investigation of Seattle Assistant Police Chief Mike Sanford , right? It was kind of

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Fake Investigation: Six Other Annoying Things SPD's Mike Sanford May Be Guilty of

sanford1.jpg
Kevin P. Casey
Mike Sanford
So you've heard all about the investigation of Seattle Assistant Police Chief Mike Sanford, right? It was kind of a speedy ordeal - with news of the investigation breaking and then resolving (for the most part) within the span of a few hours yesterday. Still, it was everywhere, and the investigation of Sanford by the Washington State Patrol helps to shed light on a man who obviously has a few enemies within the ranks of Seattle's Boys in Blue.

This morning Seattle Weekly's Nina Shapiro detailed the findings of the investigation released to the press by the Washington State Patrol late yesterday afternoon. After reviewing what investigators with the State Patrol uncovered, the King County Prosecutor's office concluded Sanford hadn't committed any criminal wrongdoing.

Still, as Shapiro's post points out, there were some teeny-tiny nuggets in there - like the way Sanford allegedly reacted when his daughter rear-ended another car in March 2011, or the way the assistant police chief likes to strong-arm fellow officers into donating to his favorite charity, the Special Olympics (the nerve!).

Though Sanford has been cleared of criminal conduct, he will still face an investigation by the Office of Professional Accountability.

Perhaps the most telling excerpt from Shapiro's post:

More recently, [Sanford has] been assigned the task of implementing reforms stemming from the federal Department of Justice's scathing report on SPD's use of force. Chief John Diaz suggested yesterday that Sanford's new role has made him a magnet for criticism. And it's telling that this investigation--over arguably minor stuff--arose due to complaints from within the department.

All of this was enough to inspire some more, completely fictional digging into Sanford on our part.

Here's a list of OTHER questionable things Assistant Police Chief Mike Sanford may or may not do ...

Sanford Takes the Last Cup of Coffee and Doesn't Brew a Fresh Pot

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A source of a source of a source tells Seattle Weekly that Sanford has a reputation for thoughtlessly and repeatedly taking the last cup of Folgers from the SPD break room and then not brewing a fresh pot. This, according to our fictional investigation, could make younger officers feel pressured or compelled to brew their own coffee ... which, if true, we can all agree is just kind of fucked.

The list of annoying things Seattle Assistant Police Chief Mike Sanford may be guilty of continues on the next page ...

Sanford Makes Officers Sing "We Are the World"

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Known as a reformer who (gasp!) doesn't believe more arrests are always the key to fighting crime, our investigation uncovered evidence that Sanford may have pressured officers into singing "We Are the World" during retreats and morning meetings. One officer who we pretended to speak to called this tendency, "extremely annoying, but probably not criminal."

Sanford Reads Books

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As a recent cover story by Shapiro noted, Sanford is "a product of what modern police departments see as desirable training grounds: the wonky, freewheeling schools of criminology and public policy." He also earned a master's degree from the University of Washington's Evans School of Public Affairs in 2007. According to our source of a source of a source, all this book learning on Sanford's part sometimes makes officers underneath him feel inferior. Sanford also allegedly has a tendency to use big words and utilize phrases that don't include the term "Mexican piss." This is said to irritate some SPD officers.

The list of annoying things Seattle Assistant Police Chief Mike Sanford may be guilty of continues on the next page ...

Sanford Tells People What to Do

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While it would seem to come with his job description, our faux investigation uncovered evidence that other officers sometimes get "really annoyed" when Sanford tells them what to do.

Sanford Keeps Cute Pictures of Kittens to his Cell Phone

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Again, our source of a source of a source tells Seattle Weekly that Sanford's habit of keeping cute pictures of baby kittens on his cell phone and then showing them to fellow officers who are only pretending to be interested because he's their boss is, "extremely annoying, but probably not criminal."

The list of annoying things Seattle Assistant Police Chief Mike Sanford may be guilty of continues on the next page ...

Sanford Listens to Dave Matthews Band

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This may be one of the biggest bombshells unearthed by our fake investigation. Not only does Sanford allegedly listen to Dave Matthews Band, evidence suggests he's been known to sing the words to songs like "Crash Into Me" and "Ants Marching" while in the shower. That might not constitute criminal misconduct, but it does reveal a possibly questionable taste in music.

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