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Chris Hansen thinks about what to do with his new land
On Tuesday hedge-fund manager and former Blanchet High School bully Chris Hansen--the super-rich guy

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Five Awesome Uses for Chris Hansen's New SoDo Land

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Chris Hansen thinks about what to do with his new land
On Tuesday hedge-fund manager and former Blanchet High School bully Chris Hansen--the super-rich guy attempting to bring the NBA back to Seattle by building a SoDo arena that will also (hopefully) house an NHL team--announced that he's began the process of purchasing the remaining Sodo property needed to erect said arena. Hansen says the sales should start closing this week, and most should be completed within the next three months.

In addition to property needed to build the arena, Hansen also announced that he's buying a substantial chunk of the block just north of the would-be arena site, with the Seattle Times reporting Wednesday that he's considering "ancillary uses" for the property. Speculation as to what could eventually end up on this property has included a parking garage, a possible team store, or perhaps even a team practice facility.

But that shit all sounds pretty boring. Certainly, with a little creativity, better "ancillary uses" could be found for the land.

Like ...

A Bikini Barista Stand

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Renee McMahon
Bikini baristas: The world needs more of them

Since heading north from Tacoma, one thing I've noticed about Seattle is the alarming lack of bikini barista stands.I know there are some, but it's simply not enough. I mean, seriously, how do you people buy your morning coffee from anyone other than a hardworking stripper with three kids at home and a space heater cranked to 11 keeping her warm inside some pitiful java hut? Hansen's latest acquisitions literally scream for some java and nipple tassels.

UPDATE: Editor Mike Seely informs me Georgetown is the place to go for bikini baristas.

The World's Largest Bike Rack

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Like this, only much bigger

Sure, there are concerns about the traffic implications in SoDo should a new badass NBA/NHL arena be built. Some of these concerns might even be legitimate. But think of the smile on Mayor McGinn's face when he cuts the ribbon on a seven-story bike rack the likes of which the world has never seen. Can you imagine if Seattle had the Space Needle AND the world's largest bike rack? It'd be fucking awesome.

The World's Eight-Billionth Cupcake Shop

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spoonfedraleigh.com
Mmmm cupcakes ...

Can you believe there was a time when not every corner housed a cutesy cupcake boutique? These were dark days. Thankfully, the world has evolved and now cupcakes are everywhere--a baked treat no longer simply relegated to toddler birthday parties and shitty office Valentine's Day celebrations. While some will point out that ANOTHER cupcake shop might not be the most creative use for the land, I say fuck that. You can never have too many cupcake boutiques.

A Starbucks

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Sonics fans love Starbucks

Oh, think of the irony of Chris Hansen letting Howard Schultz open up a big-ass Starbucks on his latest land acquisition. Plus, you can build a Starbucks out of almost anything these days. Can't you just imagine Sonics fans lining up for grande frappuccinos with triple whip after a big victory? I can't.

A Massive Strip Club

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dreamgirls-seattle.com
Someone beat us to this awesome idea ...

Oh, wait ...

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