The Lowbrown Campaign: Romney, Santorum and the Other Republicans in Your Bedroom

What does it say about the Mitt/Rick/Ron/Newt bandwagon rolling into Washington for Saturday's caucuses when the state Republican Party welcomes visitors to its website with this greeting: "Do you want to defeat Obama? Contact your county party to found out how you can help!" Is it an ungrammatical stab at admitting that no matter what this freaky-deaky parade of would-be presidents say, it's too late to matter?

Or is it just more of a dumbed-down political carnival? As the syntax-challenged state GOP site also tells visitors:

This is voters only chance to register your vote for who the Republicans will nominate...

But then you likely already knew this was a lowbrow event if you've seen any of the 20 Republican debates, exhausting TV appearances, and boundless SuperPac attack ads. Or when you recollect what the two GOP front runners have said on the campaign trail.

Filthy rich Mitt Romney is "unemployed," with a wife who drives "a couple of Cadillacs," makes "not very much" ($374,000) in annual speaker fees, and straps his dog to the top of the car because the mutt "likes fresh air." In his world, "corporations are people, my friend," plastic ponchos are "fancy raincoats," and he's "not concerned about the poor," someone will take care of them. "I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in."

Filthy minded Rick Santorum tells us contraception is "a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be," and that homosexuality is not, cough, "you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be," so don't ever think he was comparing them. He doesn't "want to make black people's lives better by giving them somebody else's money," their own tax dollars. He "almost threw up" after reading JFK's speech about the separation of church and state, and Barack Obama is a "snob" for wanting our children to go to college.

These are the no-tax, small-government guys who can always find enough money to send the cops into our bedrooms and bureaucrats into our doctors offices. They promise bold new thinking, which consists of Romney's belief that, in Michigan, "the trees are the right height," and Santorum's theory that Social Security is in financial trouble today because "a third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion."

The depth of these two candidates is best measured by one fact: both have been beaten on the campaign trail by Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul, for godsakes. Now, do you really want to found out how to vote for any of them?

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