A Confidential Memo to All Seattle Weekly Staff

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Dear Valued Employees Content Aggregators,

Today on Crosscut, a former contributor wrote that when he used to work for our paper, "writers and editors did not insert the word 'shit' or 'ass' into every other sentence as the current staff does." Now I have just one question for all of you: Who leaked?

Seriously, which one of you little shits blabbed about company policy to someone who doesn't work here? We're in a crowded media environment where every one of our competitors is just waiting for us to trip. If I find out that one of you purposefully gave this Barry Matzman guy some privileged information, it's going to be your ass.

And another thing: Why be so specific? Why tell him that we demand "shit" or "ass" in every other sentence? Sure it's true. But what kind of asshole broadcasts that to the world?

Look, everyone knows that "fuck" is The Stranger's go-to four letter word, and The Times has cornered the market on "Jerry Large" (I can't even type that out without cringing--so profane!). That's why, two years ago, I sent out an e-mail very similar to the one you're reading now which marked the official start of our Shit and Ass Policy. It was a creative way to differentiate ourselves from the other papers. And now one of you little shitstains has cost us that competitive edge.

I'm not saying someone is going to lose their job over this. Shit, I'd be a hypocrite if I fired anyone because of an accidental screw-up. It happens to the best of us. But my ass is on the line here too.

So do the right thing. Bring that asshole to my office, or, if you are that asshole, come see me immediately.

Sincerely,

Caleb Hannan

Managing Editor

P.S. Hope to see you all at the going-away party tonight! It'd be really shitty if you didn't come!

 
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