Note to Oklahoma: Just Because Backwater Contains the Word 'Water' Doesn't Mean You're Near the Pacific

We don't mean to be mean, Oklahoma. We just don't want you thinking that because you stole our basketball team that you are now magically somehow major-league. It's more like you're our distant cousin who's kind of ugly and not too smart, always wearing a white baseball cap and a hemp necklace around your thick neck, and somehow you stole away our extremely hot significant other, whom we loved very much.

We know that makes you think that you are now our equal. But really? You aren't. So please. Just keep your universities in the Big 12. Deep down in that shallow soul of yours, you know that's where you belong.

To the rest of the world: We know we sound like whiners trying to come off as assholes, and we feel badly about it. It's just extremely galling to hear comments from the University of Oklahoma's president insinuating that he'll decide whether to move to the Pac-12 within three weeks, and that "We want to do what's best for the university."

We get that there's an arms race, and that everyone is afraid that everyone else is going to form a "super-conference" with 16 teams, and that the Big 12 is imploding, but does that really mean that going so far afield and so downmarket as to admit Oklahoma and Oklahoma State to our conference is the best way forward?

Come on, Pac-12! Grow some manlies and tell these presumptuous Sooners that this is happening somewhere on the never side of later.

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