Mourning the Untimely Demise of the Seahawks' Nascent Jeff Reed Era

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Jeff Reed, scholar.
Jeff Reed wasn't a member of the Seattle Seahawks for long. Indeed, history will show that he never appeared in a regular-season game for the club, and so in a sense was never really on the team at all. But Reed was a Seahawk, however briefly, and his being cut today to make room for a younger, leggier kicker precludes what might have been one of the more seedily entertaining chapters in Seattle sport.

The proximate cause of Reed's dismissal was the fact that only three of his five kickoffs in the Seahawks' preseason finale on Friday made it to the end zone. At 32, he's getting on in years, especially considering that he's lived many of those years to a remarkable degree of excess.

It's a fact of life, and of space-time constraints, that we cannot know what the Jeff Reed era might have brought us. Such matters, as Donald Rumsfeld has taught us, will forever be known unknowns.

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A Jeff Reed mating ritual.
That is not to say we can't tickle our memories with some known knowns.

For instance, there was the time he took a picture of himself in the mirror, his shaved nether regions exposed.

And the time, known as the towel-dispenser incident, which resulted in his arrest for punching (and perhaps kicking?) a paper-towel machine at a Pittsburgh-area convenience store at 3 a.m. after realizing it was empty. (For good measure, he cursed the store employees on his way out the door.)

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Jeff Reed in his natural habitat.
And then there were all the times he was drunk while hanging out with obese bodyguards and women who are of the type to hang out with a really drunk Jeff Reed.

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Jeff Reed and friend playing "Find the penis on Jeff Reed."
Like that one lady, who back in 2007 groped the kicker's nether regions while posing for a photograph to memorialize the occasion.

And, well, you get the idea. The point being, these incidents will haunt us as we consider what might have been had Jeff Reed not--and we're speculating here--drank himself out of the league.

At the end of the day, however, we can take solace in the fact that we will have a different kicker on our team, one who can kick the ball into the end zone when necessary, who seems like a decent enough fellow, and who even has a degree in neuroscience from Middlebury College.

That, and the fact that we aren't, and couldn't be even if we tried, former NFL kicker Jeff Reed.

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