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Welcome back to another exciting installment of This Week in Starbucks Crime, in which we catalog the bad acts occurring at Starbucks' 16,000-odd worldwide locations

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This Week in Starbucks Crime: Bestiality, Mistaken Identity, and Masturbation Songs!

twisc_logo.jpeg
Welcome back to another exciting installment of This Week in Starbucks Crime, in which we catalog the bad acts occurring at Starbucks' 16,000-odd worldwide locations over the past seven days, as well as the week's fallout from prior Starbucks-related misdeeds. Without further ado, let's get to it!

First to TWISC's favorite destination: SoCal! (Sorry, Florida, you're awesome, but what have you done for us lately?) It was here, in the dry, desert air of Palm Springs, that on Tuesday evening Joel Bradley Simpson was late, late, late for a very important date.

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Unfortunately, video footage of Joel Bradley Simpson having sex with a dog is something that (allegedly) exists.
Specifically, he was due in court that morning for a hearing in a week-old case in which he'd been charged with possession of child pornography and with videotaping himself having sex with a dog.

Simpson, 35, who'd posted bail, didn't show up for his hearing. Instead, that evening he was sitting in his local Starbucks on Palm Canyon Drive, allegedly hopped up on goofballs, when an employee, concerned by his unusual, druggish behavior, called the cops. When officers arrived, they discovered an oddly behaving Simpson, on whose person they found what Det. Frank Guarino of the Palm Springs PD told TWISC was a "central nervous system stimulant"--either crack, powder cocaine, or speed. Police placed him under arrest.

Because the warrant issued by the judge in that morning's case hadn't yet made it through the system, cops didn't know at first that Simpson was a wanted man. Since he was allegedly totally effed up on powerful drugs, cops brought him to a hospital. While he was coming down from his alleged high, cops discovered the warrant and rearrested him. He's in jail.

We figured you'd want to know, so we asked Det. Guarino about the children and the dog. He explained that the identities of the children are still not known, and it is unclear whether Simpson took any of the images himself. As for the dog, some unsettling news: Its whereabouts and well-being are unknown.

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And now over to South Dakota, where on Sunday afternoon Christi Ross, 25, was standing in line at her local Starbucks in Rapid City's Rushmore Mall. It was here she saw another woman standing in the same line. This woman, Ross believed, had previously talked to her boyfriend. Accordingly, according to police, Ross proceeded to shove this woman and pull her hair.

At a certain point, Ross realized she'd made a terrible mistake--in actuality, a different woman had exchanged the unwelcome words with her boyfriend. Alas, it was too late. Ross was arrested and charged with simple assault. In a happy turn, Ross's alleged victim did not require medical attention.

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And finally to McAllen, Texas. This, you may recall, is where Jose Raul Tobias Maravilla was arrested at his local Starbucks on June 7 after allegedly masturbating in the presence of other patrons, including children.

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Jose Raul Tobias Maravilla's alleged public masturbation has been immortalized in a truly awful song.
Houston Press, our sister paper, reports on a song that an artist identifying himself as Shing Shang Wong wrote about the incident and posted on YouTube.

While we love all our siblings, and while HP does acknowledge that the song is "wack," it also calls it "pretty funny." It isn't. It's not even slightly funny. It's just terrible. Thunderously, horribly, uncleverly terrible. From the vocals to the lyrics to the nonexistent production value, it's just really, really bad. Don't believe us? Judge for yourselves, if you must.

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That's it for today. From all of us at TWISC, may yours be a happy, healthy, and bestiality-free Fourth of July.

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