As half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin recently said about the gigantic bus with her name on it that she's driving around the country with a gaggle of reporters in tow: "It's not a publicity-seeking tour." Of course not.
So what is it? No one is quite sure. But if it's "about highlighting the great things about America" like she says it is, then why not come to Washington?
After all, we're pretty damn historic. In fact, here's a list of five places in the Evergreen State that Palin could bring her "I'm Not Running for President, I Promise" tour to, and a few suggestions of what she could do there.
5. Hanford Site
Why she should go: Hanford's B Reactor was the nation's first large-scale nuclear reactor. Today the Hanford Site is the home of the largest nuclear-waste cleanup effort in the Western Hemisphere. Similarly, Palin's failed candidacy is the largest political cleanup site in the country.
At the Hanford Site, years of spilling radiation has seeped into the wildlife. There are radioactive hornets, mice, rabbits--you name it. And if Palin came to Hanford, she could show what a true hunter she is by taking down a mutant beast and pinning flag lapel through its heart.
4. Mount Rainier National Park
Why she should go: Mount Rainier National Park is not only a beautiful stretch of Pacific Northwest landscape, it's also historic in origin. When founded in 1899 (a ceremony Palin's old running mate John McCain I believe attended), it set the precedent for how national parks would be set up from then on.
A little precedent might help her calm her inner maverick.
What she should do there: Climb Mount Rainier! Sure, it'd take a little while. But we hear the views of Russia from the top of the mountain are unparalleled.
Why she should go: Besides being a gorgeous town with a first-rate university, Bellingham has an added bonus that's perfect for Palin. It's close to Canada!
What she should do there: Leave Bellingham and head north to Canada. As many know, in the run-up to Congress' passing of the health-care reform package last year, Palin famously said she used to "zoom over the border" to Canada to take advantage of the country's socialized health-care system. From Bellingham, it'd be a hop, skip, and a jump into the Great White North, where she should ask Dr. Stalin to fix that winky thing she does with her eye.
Photo: Al Camp/Omak-Okanogan County Chronicle
Why she should go: The Omak Stampede, also known as the Omak Suicide Race, is a yearly event in which people race horses down a near-vertical cliff and through a river. The race typically injures or kills several horses, and has been condemned by essentially every animal-rights advocate who's ever heard of it. In short, it's perfect for Palin.
What she should do there: Why, fire the starting gun, of course! That or modify her delicious moose burger recipe for horse meat.
UPDATE: Omak-Okanogan County Chronicle Editor Roger Harnack called and let us know that Ms. Palin has been to Omak! She visited just just last year, in fact, when she flew in for her cousin Jon Morgan's wedding. More here.
1. Neighbours Disco (Capitol Hill)
Why she should go: Neighbours is easily Seattle's most famous and iconic gay nightclub. And since the LGBT community generally despises Palin, a stint working a greasy pole on the main dance floor might do wonders to repair her reputation with this large segment of the population. Plus, she can always just drop the British spelling of Neighbours and claim she was at a proper mom-and-pop diner if her conservative base gets worried.
What she should do there: Dance, baby, dance!