Ever since Paul the Psychic Octopus died, idiots all over have been forcing their unwitting pets to make sporting-event predictions and shoulder the responsibility for at least one desperate, gambling-addicted dad who just blew his son's college fund. So are any of the animals truly psychic? No, they're not. But if we average enough of their Super Bowl XLV predictions together, perhaps math will combine with bullshit to give a valid winner. Let's try.
We've got 8.5 animal predictions here (more about the 0.5 pick later), which gives us a good odd number to work with.
Beginning with the most common of the preternatural pets, here's "Yoda the Dog."
That's Green Bay 1, Pittsburgh 0.
Next we've got "Ollie the Cat."
Green Bay 1, Pittsburgh 1. Though Ollie has been exclusively wrong the past three years.
"Henry the Woodchuck."
Green Bay 2, Pittsburgh 1.
"Anastasia the Balloon-Popping Psycho Jack Russell Terrier."
Green Bay 3, Pittsburgh, 1.
"Some Dude's Parrot."
Green Bay 3, Pittsburgh 2.
"Jenny the Elephant."
Green Bay 4, Pittsburgh 2.
"Alex the Orangutan."
Green Bay 4, Pittsburgh, 3.
"Myrtle the Turtle."
Green Bay 4, Pittsburgh 4.
We're all tied up, folks. So it's up to "Baby Rat/Scruffy Dog" to pick the winner.
Since the rat failed miserably and the dog had to come in and save the day, this one is only worth half a point. Still, that's enough for the Green Bay Packers to eke out a victory by a score of 4.5 to 4.