You've got 4.5 shopping days until xmas, and though it's been said that it's better to give than receive; giving and then receiving a little


Today in Sex: Give the Gift That'll Get You Laid

You've got 4.5 shopping days until xmas, and though it's been said that it's better to give than receive; giving and then receiving a little something yourself has its good points too. Like for instance, I happen to know that if I shell out for a large flat-screen, it'll be hump-city at my house. But dick for tat isn't always so simple. After the jump, I'll show you how to transform your beliked into your completely besotted, with one simple package. . . .

How much? The question of how much dough to drop depends on a couple different factors: how long have you been seeing each other and how much money do you feel comfortable spending? Spend too much too soon and it could seem like you're trying to buy their love. Pricey gifts can also make the other person feel like a jerk if they haven't spent as much. So unless you're loaded and he's a golddigger, keep it under a hundred bucks if you've yet to break the six-month mark.

Buy for the person they are, not for the person you'd like them to be. Your tomboy girlfriend isn't going to find her inner Dita Von Teese just because you sprang for a pair of scratchy see-thru nylon drawers and a peek-a-boo bra from Victoria's Secret. Nor is your t-shirt-wearing little drummer boy going to quit the band and enroll in biz school because you buy him a suit. Buying aspirational (when they're your aspirations) gifts is insulting and off-putting and will not get you laid. In fact, it may even get you dumped.

While you're at it--buy for them, not for you. My boyfriend thinks we have far too many books in the house, so he keeps threatening to buy me a Kindle for Christmas. I adamantly do not want a Kindle and have said so several dozen times. You can bet there'll be zero in the way of xmas nookie if I wake up to one of those. (However, if he springs for an iPad, there'll be blowjobs a-poppin'.)

Say NO to the Snuggie and/or the Slanket. Even if your man has hinted that he'd really love to eat nachos and watch the game in one of these things, jam your fingers in your ears and ignore. If he wants one so bad, he can shell out the fifteen bucks or whatever they cost. These polyester atrocities are boner killers and Dutch Oven incubators. You may as well purchase 500 cats and a housedress.

Unless specifically requested, stay away from "helpful" hinting. Self-help books, gym memberships, fat-free candy, home waxing kits, Rogaine, and/or anything produced by the Spanx company are all very bad ideas unless you're a glutton for punishment, because you will be punished (and not in a fun way). And you will deserve it.

Pay attention. Most (not all) women like jewelry, but the thoughtfulness of the gesture will be negated if you buy gold when she exclusively wears silver, or pearls when she's a nut for amber. And while to me, the NFL and the NHL are the same thing with a one-letter difference, apparently to a football or hockey fan, they're two totally different sports and so ticket and/or jersey purchases should not be confused. You get Triple Boner Bonus Points if you think back and then buy something your Special Naked Friend had mentioned wanting weeks or months earlier.

Keep the "ho" outta "ho, ho, ho." Finally, while it may sound counter-intuitive, that in a list of strategies designed to get you laid under the mistletoe, I'm advising you to dial down the naughty, but trust me. Supplementing their regular gift with edible body paint or nipple clamps is fine, but wrapping up a giant box of vibrating cocks and a gallon of lube tells them that you only think of them as a pole or a hole. Which, depending on what kind of relationship you have, could be cool. However, for most folks this is a risky proposition and you should only go down this route if you're certain it will end well for you.

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