UPDATE: Charges against Rafael Escamilla have been dropped since the 17-year-old girl apparently didn't want to go through with the trial. He remains suspended from his job at Andrew-Paulos Research and Education, pending an internal review.
Suppose you're flying in an airplane at 35,000 feet, wielding one of those tiny Tabasco bottles to spice up the cracker-and-cheese pack you just bought for $5. Suppose you misaim a few squirts of pepper sauce. Now suppose your penis is for some reason exposed enough to absorb the burning liquid, causing you to scratch and claw painfully at your member. If you can imagine all that and think it's not just a crappy excuse for a dude who allegedly got caught jerking off on an airplane, then we think you'd be friends with Rafael Escamilla.
Apparently a 17-year-old girl was sitting next to the 50-year-old Gulf Breeze, Fla., man when, she says, he began masturbating next to her. She asked to switch seats and told flight attendants, who then told police. And at the Lewisiton, Idaho, airport the man was arrested.
It was then than the Tabasco-burning-crotch excuse was unleashed.
Police say the man told them he spilled Tabasco sauce on himself, which caused his crotch to burn and itch.
Seattle Weekly chatted with Lewiston Police Capt. Tom Greene, who said this:
"The Tabasco defense was that it caused him to have an uncontrollable itch. Officers said he wasn't having any itch issues when they interviewed him, and there was no evidence of a spill on his pants."
As an added bonus, Escamilla has a Facebook page where he says he's married and the Director of Research at Andrew-Paulos Research and Education Institute.
UPDATE: Escamilla's Facebook page has been taken down.
Now even if his Tabasco yarn was true, it would seem that a heavy dousing of water or ice would be the way to tackle a burning-hot-sauce penis, and not yanking it out and rubbing it furiously.