For a society that's so sex-obsessed, we sure are a backwards bunch. Just last week we were talking about erasing all traces of pubic hair, now comes word of a new undergarment that will alleviate any hint of cameltoe. (Call Coco!) The Camelflage is "specifically designed to smooth out your feminine parts under tight clothing." By "feminine parts" they mean your waxed and sassy vulva.
The copy reads, "You will feel safe and secure knowing you aren't 'that girl' everyone is laughing at behind your back." Sign me up! To see exactly what they mean, please take a gander at the before and after photos.
But what good is hiding your lady crease if your nips are popping out all over the place? Luckily, there are several products devoted to pushing them back into your titties. First there are the Nippits Concealment Strips. They look like little bandaids and are "the perfect solution for times you do not want your nipples to show." (When would that be?)
The Bali Concealer bra goes one step further--instead of little tape strips, this is the whole nine: "The first and only bras with revolutionary concealing petals for complete modesty." One blogger claims that the bra's reinforced petals of protection even mask her nipple rings. She says, "My boyfriend kept rubbing the smooth fabric, apparently fascinated by the disappearance of my nipples and allured by this new sense of mystery." I can say without a doubt that my boyfriend would be highly disturbed if my nipples went missing.
I decided to see if there were equivalent products geared towards men. Sure, there are Spanx for men, but those are just for muffin tops--I wanted something would camouflage the moose knuckle. The only thing I could find was an uncomfortable looking item called "the Gaffe," which totally squishes the rod and tackle down for a more convincing drag crotch. (I believe this is also known as a "cheater.") But there's nothing that smooths it down for a more harmonious package. In fact, quite the opposite. There's no shortage of garments designed to increase the look of joint. Swimsuits equipped with a "Ball Lifter Cock-Ring that is detachable AND adjustable!" or padded butt briefs to round out the derriere.
What's good for Barbie is apparently not good for Ken. Feh.