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As the ongoing court case of Prince Jefri Bolkiah versus his financial advisors drags on, it's becoming clear that Countess Luann deLesseps was correct: Money

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Today in Sex: Setting Sail on a Boat Named "Tits"

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As the ongoing court case of Prince Jefri Bolkiah versus his financial advisors drags on, it's becoming clear that Countess Luann deLesseps was correct: Money can't, in fact, buy you class. The intricacies of the legal shenanigans are kind of beside the point here--the little brother of the Sultan of Brunei claims his advisors ripped him off, but what's really got his knickers in a twister are the revelations about his debauched private life that keep coming to light.

Exhibit A: Prince Jefri commissioned a million-dollar series of super-tacky, life-size bronze sculptures of himself , one depicting his boner peeking out of his shorts and others where he's engaged in sex acts with one of his fiances. Once he took delivery on the artworks (after sending them back to be mustachioed) he scattered them around the pool of the mansion the two sides are warring over. According to people who'd know, the male half of these sculptures is flattering to the point of being unrecognizable as the rather fug, hirsute prince. After the judge issued a gag order, Jefri's counsel accused the other guy of handing out photos of the offending artworks in the courthouse halls.

Exhibit B: Obviously used to getting his own way, Prince Jefri wants all mentions of his polygamous lifestyle struck from the record. Nor does he want any mention of his harem or the 17 children he has by seven different women.

Exhibit C: According to the Daily Mail, "Jefri, known for his spending habits, was accused of embezzling $14.8billion from the tiny, oil-rich Brunei, a charge he denied. His purchases over the years have included 600 properties, over 2000 cars, over 100 paintings, five boats, nine aircraft including an Airbus, rugs made of gold, and even a mega-yacht he christened 'Tits'."

Exhibit D: No stranger to bad taste, but apparently a slave to his dick, Prince Jefri once paid five million British pounds "for 10 watches which depict a mechanically copulating couple on the hour" and 800k pounds "on a set of pens fashioned to resemble a naked couple." Classy!

Exhibit E: The Sultan sued baby brother for embezzlement and so Jefri had to unload or give his brother, "over 600 properties, over 2,000 cars, over 100 paintings, five boats and nine aircraft" to settle the claim. Yet somehow he still has billions of dollars and a rumored billion-dollar cache of diamonds. Unclear if "Tits" was one of the boats he had to surrender.

Exhibit F: Jefri and his big brother the Sultan of Brunei have been accused many times of trafficking women. In a story in today's New York Post, "Former Miss USA Shannon Marketic, now 38, sued the prince and the sultan in 1997 for holding her against her will as a sex slave in Brunei. Her suit claimed she and other young women were lured into traveling there under false pretenses. It said that their passports were confiscated on arrival and that they were checked for sexually transmitted diseases." By claiming diplomatic immunity, the two managed to get the case dropped. He also made the news in the 90s when it was discovered he'd ensconced 40 sex workers at a London Hotel to be at his sexual beck and call.

Conclusion: People with boneyards worth of skeletons in their closets should probably opt for a less litigious, more low-key lifestyle. As Baretta famously said (and Sammy Davis sang), "don't do the crime if you can't do the time."

 
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