Portland High School Cancels Dance Because Students Won't Stop Grinding

Breaking: teens mimic sex while dancing
The great poet R. Kelly once said that there "ain't nothing wrong with a little bump n' grind." School officials at Cleveland High School in Portland are apparently not R. Kelly fans. They just canceled the school's winter formal because, try as they might, they just can't get the kids to stop rubbing their junk all over each other every time a repetitive snare drum is heard.

The AP reports that the school's vice principal said they've tried everything including: "lectures, shining flashlights, and even T-shirts that said 'No bumping.'"

And boy, when T-shirts emblazoned with rules don't work, it's possible that nothing will.

Perhaps if they lined the insides of the kids' pants with sandpaper?

What's striking is that the school seems to view the bump n' grind phenomenon as something new, that, with just a little added enforcement, can be stopped and diverted back toward safer dance practices like the Macarena or the Moonwalk.

They forget that the aforementioned R. Kelly tune was released back in 1994 and folks have been all up on each others' shit ever since.

Half of these kids wouldn't have even been born back then and none of them were dancing yet. So a world free of bumping, grinding, freaking or what have you, is not a world they know.

So keep at it, Cleveland High. Keep telling yourselves that this is all just a passing fad or aberrant behavior.

And when you're done, meet us on the dance floor so we can dry hump the hell out of you.

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