Getting drugs into prisons is difficult. Accomplishing difficult tasks pays well. Thus, the savvy and the brazen drug smugglers of the world will always aspire to sneak drugs through prison walls. So when the AP reported yesterday that two Bellingham men were arrested after trying to mail meth-soaked letters to an inmate at Washington State Penitentiary, we thought we'd see where drug scribing pen pals ranked among the most creative attempts at bootlegging dope into the can.
5. At No. 5 it's Felisha Trujillo and Phil Martinez, a Pueblo, Colorado couple who, early this year, tried to smuggle some narcotics into the county jail by leaving them inside the courtroom jury box for Trujillo to pick up at her own sentencing hearing. I believe the saying starts something like: "when life hands you lemons..."
4. Our fourth place winner doesn't necessarily earn his spot from his creative ways of getting contraband inside the prison (he was a guard and put the stuff inside cell phones or just walked in with it). Instead, Johan Edwin Clarke of Upper Hutt, New Zealand gets the nod for the very particular list of forbidden items he snuck in, including: drugs (naturally), KFC chicken and a UB40 album, as well as the payments he was slated to receive in return, including: money (also naturally), homemade red wine and sex with a hooker.
3. Our No. 3 winner also comes out of New Zealand (go Kiwis!) where one inmate was arrested after trying to smuggle in drugs stored in his empty eye socket. The eye socket has long been a vastly underused body cavity, so we were happy to see someone finding a niche for it.
2. At No. 2, it's an unnamed kitty cat who some Russians had trained to deliver heroin to inmates at a jail in Mendeleyevsk by sneaking past guards with the dope taped to its collar. The resourceful Ruskies were nabbed after the cat ran through the jail's dog pen, causing an understandable ruckus.
1. And finally, our No. 1 winners get the award for their hat tip to medieval methods by using crossbows to fire drug laden arrows into a Scottish prison. The marksmen were supposedly accurate enough to shoot the bolts through individual prisoners' windows, each of whom could take comfort knowing that if they didn't get out of the window in time, they'd at least be impaled by something to help them stop the pain.
So, you hear that alleged Bellingham meth smugglers Joseph L. Garcia and Kirk L. Rishor? If you want to reap the payday that awaits successful prison contraband importers (or at least make more dumb criminal lists), you're going to have to step up your game.