Gov. Christine Gregoire Can't Drink a Four Loko, And Now Neither Can You

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This just in: Gov. Christine Gregoire is a cheap date. At a press conference this morning to announce an emergency ban on alcoholic energy drinks, Gregoire marveled at the potency of Four Loko, a.k.a. "blackout in a can," which contains the equivalent of five beers and four Cokes in just 23, sickly-sweet ounces. "I can't drink five beers!" said Gregoire. "And I can't [drink four Cokes] either."

The controversy started on October 8 when a Four Loko-soaked soiree sent nine Central Washington University freshman to the hospital.The state's Liquor Control Board responded this morning with a unanimous vote to ban the booze starting at the stroke of midnight next Thursday.

"This has obviously been an exciting day and we're very proud of what we're doing," said Control Board Chair Sharon Foster. "[Four Loko] is a bad drink. It shouldn't on the shelves in our great state."

Gregoire went one step further. Intimating that rather than getting hammered off of a malt beverage available in ungodly flavors like watermelon and blue raspberry, Washingtonians should instead wet their whistle with some locally-made intoxicants.

"Washington produces some of the best wines and best beers in the world," she said, practically begging hard-working citizens around the state to make today's lunch a liquid one.

Gregoire said she sees a parallel between how both the cigarette industry and Four Loko's marketers try to appeal to kids, comparing the brightly-colored cans to Joe Camel, the dromedary who graced untold numbers of tacky leather jackets and made lighting up look cool. She also expressed her hope that Washington's ban would be just the beginning of a Four Loko backlash.

"I hope the F.D.A. bans it in America," she said.

 
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